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As a reminder, I’m right xx

💗 Alexis

As a woman of the people, I asked those closest to me to share any diagnoses/meds they have under their belt to compile this list, so don’t even think about trying to cancel me for having a section labeled “For your gay friend,” I will not be shamed for being an ally 🏳️‍🌈!

Christmas is 17 days away, and I’ve put this off long enough, so as the great Caroline Calloway once said: “LFGGGGGGGGGG!”

“My diagnosis is gay.”

For your gay friend:

• Jessie Ware “What’s Your Pleasure” (The Platinum Pleasure Edition) CD with Exclusive Signed Polaroid Set - $16

• Jessie Ware “What’s Your Pleasure” (The Platinum Pleasure Edition) Limited Edition Vinyl - $42

Jessie Ware is gay rights. The girls that get it, get it. And the girls that don’t, don’t. Ideally, the perfect gift for your gay friend is VIP tickets to a Jessie Ware concert, but it’s 2021, and things are different now, so physical copies of her music will have to suffice.

• Boy Smells - Slow Burn Magnum (27 oz.) - $86

• Boy Smells -Slow Burn Standard (8.5 oz) - $39

Nothing says “gay” quite like Kacey Musgraves, and nothing says “Happy Holidays, gay bestie!” quite like a Kacey Musgraves x Boy Smells collab. As a proud ally, I recommend the magnum size, but the standard size will do if you’re homophobic and/or on a budget.

• Double Scorpio Holiday Blend - $24

On the off chance that your gay friend hates women good music and candles, you can never go wrong with poppers. If you have to Google what poppers are or wonder why I’m including them, you’re not even remotely close to understanding the assignment, and I don’t know what to tell you. According to the website, the holiday blend “mixes cherry with orange essence and packs an extra punch,” who wouldn’t want that?

“Want to be EXTREMELY clear that ‘clinically depressed hottie’ is the diagnosis”

For your “clinically depressed hottie” friend:

• Sufjan Stevens “Carrie & Lowell” LP - $16

They probably already own this record, but they also probably stepped on it on their way to pick up their Uber Eats order from their front porch late one night last Winter 😕.

• Uber Eats Gift Card - Custom Amount

Speaking of which, I know for a fact that bitch isn’t nourishing themself, so you definitely can’t go wrong with an Uber Eats gift card.

• TONYMOLY Mini Peach Lip Balm - $7.50

• TONYMOLY Mini Blueberry Lip Balm - $10

Everyone loves lip balm, and depressed bitches are constantly losing theirs- it’s a fact. BONUS: When they finish the lip balm, they can clean out the container and use it to carry their antidepressants. Greta Thunberg is quaking.

• Fintie Honey Comb Lightweight Anti Slip ShockProof Silicone Cover for Apple TV Controller, Green Glow in the Dark - $7.99

As a woman of depressed hottie tendencies, I can assure you that the depressed person in your life needs this glow-in-the-dark Apple TV remote cover in case they fall asleep crying to a floral arranging competition show on HBO Max. Not that I would know!

• Brita 26 Ounce Premium Filtering Water Bottle with Filter - $17.97

Lastly, they’ll definitely appreciate a water bottle with a filter inside for those days the bathroom sink is way closer than the fridge and/or Brita pitcher.

“hypertension babes!”

?????

I had to Google this (I never claimed to know everything!), so just buy them a Moon Juice gift card and tell them to calm down or something idfk.

• Moon Juice Online Gift Card - $25, $50, $75, $100, $200, $500

“depression + ocd”

For your Lexapro-taking friend with depression and OCD:

• Moon Juice Magnesi-Om - $42

Look- I don’t know what she puts in Magnesi-Om, but the shit SLAPS, okay? I’m no stranger to taking 1/4 of a Mexican Xanny here and there, but the Moon Juice magnesium supplement is THAT GIRL. I do not know a better woman. Buy some for yourself while you’re at it.

• Biossance Squalane Hand Sanitizer 10 oz. - $10

Is it stupid to pay this much for a hand sanitizer? Yes. Am I squalane’s bitch? Yes. Did I pay $8 for a 4 oz bottle of this at a Sephora in Ventura after deciding to take a stroll around the mall after a Botox appointment? Yes. Shouldn’t I be too embarrassed to admit this, let alone recommend it? Absolutely. Glad that’s settled. Let’s move on.

• House of Intuition “Anew” Organic Spray 1 oz. - $10

If there’s one thing mentally unstable people love, it’s turning to spirituality. I know this because I have spent an ungodly amount of money at House of Intuition this year instead of just exercising regularly as my psychiatrist suggested.

Clinical depression? Well, your friend can “start again by welcoming new beginnings and positive change.” Wellbutrin works hard, but a “fresh, organic citrus aroma [that] dispels stagnant energy to welcome newer and better vibrations” works harder. It’s simple science, really.

• Stasher 100% Reusable Storage Bags, Raspberry Pink (Bundle of Sandwich & Snack) - $19.98

• Stasher Platinum Silicone Food Grade Reusable Storage Bag, Aqua (Bundle 4-Pack Small) | - $35.99

If there’s one thing my OCD tendencies are gonna do, it’s make me think that owning a million tiny little pouches will solve all of my problems and improve my life. They haven’t yet, but Rome wasn’t built in a day!

• The Art of Pants “Tools for Success” Print - $35

Depressed people love staring at walls; why not give your friend something inspiring to look at while they meditate on every mistake they’ve ever made?

“PTSD with a slice of ADHD and a sprinkle of SAD”

For your traumatized sad friend that struggles to complete tasks:

• The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma - $11.40

Now that I’m typing this out, I realize how weird it is to gift someone with PTSD a book about PTSD, but I already made the graphic and struggle with boundaries, so we’re just gonna go with it. It’ll probably take your friend with PTSD at least a year to pick up a book- let alone one that causes them to confront their trauma, but it’s nice to have handy, and I’ve heard* good things.

*I wouldn’t know. I got to page 9, thought “Ooooh. That makes sense,” got distracted googling whatever was on page 9 and never looked back 🤷🏾‍♀️.

• ADHD 2.0: New Science and Essential Strategies for Thriving with Distraction--from Childhood through Adulthood -$25.20

Much like The Body Keeps the Score, this is another gift idea that I didn’t quite think through, but I’m enjoying it so far, and the words aren’t too big, so I highly recommend it. Relatable anecdotes that remind you that you’re not (always) the problem are one of the nicest things a person with ADHD can stumble upon.

• 2022 Diary Iris/ B6 Block Weekly - $28

Your friend will definitely use this every day of January, half of February, and once in mid-April before abandoning it, but they’ll jump right back into it mid-November after seeing a morning routine TikTok, so this is a great gift nonetheless.

**This is the planner I swear by (at least 4 ½ months out of the year), but if you’re nervous about picking out a planner for someone and your friend lives in LA, buy them a gift card to Hightide, and they can choose their own!

• Thermophore Classic Heat Pack - $59.95

Your friend with PTSD/ADHD/SAD one million percent spends at least 12 hours a day in bed- buy them a heating pad. I’m honestly not even sure things are legally allowed to get as hot as this one does, but that’s technically none of my business and I love it, so we move.

• EZY DOSE Weekly (7-Day) AM/PM Pill Organizer, Large Pop-out Compartments - $6.64

On the off chance your friend does leave the bed, they can pop the compartments out for conveinent travel. I do not feel the need to say more.

• Ticktime Timer - $36.99

I’m not going to say this timer boosted my productivity, but in theory, it should have, and I’m using it right now to finish this newsletter, so that should count for something. (On the off chance your friend hates beeping/sudden noises, it has volume control/a mute function 👌🏾💯.)

• The Art of Pants “Past Mistakes” Print - $35

Like depressed people, people with ADHD love staring at walls, so I am once again encouraging you to give them something to look at.

“Lexapro, minor major depression”

For the most depressed bitch you’ve ever met:
My mom always says that misery loves company, and for that reason, I must suggest you gift your most depressed friend a subscription to Mentally Shrill, if not any of the gifts mentioned above.

Give a gift subscription

Now go forth and buy your last-minute gifts! On the off chance that giving one of these gifts goes terribly wrong, feel free to ask me for advice, and we will sort it out 😉.

Stay safe, and don’t forget to get your booster shot,

Alexis 💗

In this issue, we have a handy little guide to help one process a bipolar II diagnosis, as well as a list of things I personally find weird. Technically no one “asked” me for this list in the traditional sense, but I refuse to let that stop me from getting some things off my chest.

**A gentle reminder that I’m not a medical professional nor claiming to be one and that pursuing litigation over anything said in this newsletter is useless as I have a net worth in the negs 😘.

Subject: All aboard the bipolar (ii) express!

Dear Alexis,

I just got diagnosed with bipolar ii disorder. Should I tell people? What do I do now? As much positive new branding there is out there for mental health, I can’t help but feel embarrassed, ashamed, and childish. I don’t want to be judged or questioned or treated differently, but at the same time I’m angry at myself for even caring what some family members will think. What do you think?

Sincerely,

Sad ghost face

Dear sad ghost face, 

Don’t feel ashamed! If anything, you should be ashamed of that bipolar express joke, but there’s no need for me to kick you while you’re down so we can move on. In all seriousness: Catherine Zeta-Jones has bipolar II, and she’s Catherine Zeta-Jones so I’m pretty sure you’ll be fine!  

Should I tell people?

YES! (At your own pace, of course.) I can’t tell you when you’ll be ready to open up about your diagnosis, but I can tell you that being open and upfront about my mental health has made a lot of things easier for me. Plus? Being mentally ill is all the rage today, babes. Get into it 😎.

What do I do now?

Since you’ve been diagnosed, I’m going to assume you’ve done the whole song and dance of finding a doctor and discussing the next steps, but here’s what I’ve found helpful for after all of that:

• Be patient (and kind) to yourself! There’s no use in beating yourself up over something you can’t control, and you’re doing your best! You should be incredibly proud of yourself for even taking the time to seek help/get a diagnosis. That’s Bad Bitch Behavior™! While a diagnosis is a great start, it can be overwhelming and is still just a start after all. Deciding on a treatment plan can take some time and isn’t something you want to rush, so it’s essential to let yourself take all the time you need.

• It’s okay to take some time to “grieve,” but cap that shit at about two business days MAX if possible, and remember that you are in no way at fault. You and this diagnosis are in it for the long haul, so buckle up! I made you this as a handy reference:

  

• If you haven’t already, start monitoring your mood/emotions and how you feel generally. Tracking your mood will make it easier for you to notice any side effects or changes that may come if you’re starting new meds and can also help you begin to identify things/events that trigger episodes. For me, a large part of keeping my mental health in check is avoiding things (trying to calculate however much the fuck 15% off is at any given time) or situations (Cosco gas stations) that I find unpleasant. In short, I find acting like a fucking pussy 24/7 for 365 days a year extremely helpful in navigating mental illness and I don’t care who knows it 😤!

• Speaking of meds, if you will be taking them, don’t be ashamed! Some people can go their entire lives without needing medication to get through the day, and some people can’t; either way, we’re all (allegedly) getting through the day. People who don’t take meds are no better than people who need to and vice Versace (an autocorrect that’s staying), so do what works for you! Take them as instructed, get into a routine where you’re taking them as regularly as possible, and drink obnoxious amounts of water. Also, please know that there is zero shame in investing in one of these bad boys:

  

• If you’re not already, try to get yourself on a regular sleep schedule, it’s life-changing.

• As I was saying earlier, you and bipolar disorder are basically besties now, so take some time to learn as much about it as you can. As I do not have bipolar disorder, I consulted a panel of experts (people on my Close Friends list), who overwhelmingly suggested An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness. When I say they “overwhelmingly suggested,” I mean one person replied, but it has excellent reviews and is written by a psychologist who has bipolar disorder, so fuck it, we ball 🏀.

• If you can, avoid making any crucial decisions (that don’t concern your mental health) for a bit. How pissed would you be if three months from now you wake up in a new apartment that’s ugly as shit because you moved while also trying to juggle a bipolar II diagnosis? Not chic.

• You might also find it helpful to see if there are support groups available. There’s always the chance that the support group isn’t helpful, but the worst-case scenario is you get stuck in a group with a guy who works at a car dealership downtown and does credit repair as a side hustle so you at least get a funny story out of it. (Miss him TBH!) Whatever you do, do not go to Twitter. Under no circumstances should someone go to Twitter dot com seeking mental health advice. Getting medical advice on Twitter is basically the same thing as getting Groupon fillers. Just no ❤️.

I can’t help but feel embarrassed, ashamed, and childish

There is nothing childish about being mentally ill!

Childish would’ve been the time my boss called me retarded after I asked her to repeat something, or Taylor Lorenz asking me if my brain was broken (Yes ❤️) after she unleashed that weird tweet about LA air quality. There’s also the time this kid named Bryan made fun of my stutter in front of the entire class but that was in elementary school so it’s like…literally childish and not worth unpacking. Regardless, my point is that all of the aforementioned people are going to Hell and they will NOT be seeing either one of us there ☝🏾.

I wish I could tell you that we’ve advanced enough as a society for you to not have to worry about these things, but I can’t. We haven’t even advanced enough as a society to update the Bank of America app, so destigmatizing mental health is a solid 2-3 years out IMO.

TLDR: People who make you feel uncomfortable about your mental health or try to weaponize it are flops and also God’s least favorites 🚫🏆.

I don’t want to be judged or questioned or treated differently

This is a perfectly valid fear, but you need to remember that you are not at fault here, and anyone who implies differently isn’t worth dealing with. In terms of being treated differently, hear me out: In some ways, you might need to be. I don’t mean that everyone you know should start announcing your presence every time you enter a room, but I think being mentally healthy and having a solid support system that’s understanding of your needs go hand in hand. Don’t think of asking for help or needing special accommodations as being treated differently. Think of it as the playing field being leveled so you have a fair chance at getting through the day!

I’m angry at myself for even caring what some family members will think

As I said earlier: 🗣BE NICE TO YOURSELF! It’s okay that you care, and you should- it’s your life! Look at it this way: On the off chance that family members do react negatively, you’ll save a fortune buying them gifts come December 🤑🤑🤑!

I think I’ve covered everything, but feel free to email me anytime if you want to chat more. Remember that this diagnosis is just that: a diagnosis and, in no way does it define who you are as a person.

💗 Alexis

Ask me a question!

As we all know, I have never been wrong in my entire life and find deep pleasure in complaining about things, hence the list below. A light sampling of what I personally consider one of the greatest texts of our time:

I present to you: Weird people shit.

Don’t forget: nothing on this list is up for debate and don’t forget to ask me questions!

❤️ Alexis

P.S.

I’ll be a guest on Lovett or Leave It: Live or Else in Hollywood tomorrow (10/21)! I’ll be giving audience members advice, so you can think of it as this newsletter but IRL. (Plus you’ll get to see my under-eye filler!) You can get tickets here.

• Using a pop socket (it’s worse if they say “I have tiny hands!!!”)

• Having tiny and/or weird hands 

• The Telfar Bag Security Program…………k

• People who say “I saw this” when you send a meme and then it’s dry af/that’s all they say. Like ok sorry damn

• Never mentioning Rihanna. You’re weird and hate powerful women. Go away. 

• Mentioning what college you went to. But it’s ok to say “sorry what does that mean? I went to a state school” when people use words that are obnoxiously big 

• Not gossiping 

• Omelettes. Literally weird as fuck. This could just be a “me” problem but I doubt it. I love a good egg but why are you putting all that stuff in there? Weirds me out completely. 

• Those milkshakes with the glass coated in frosting and sprinkles….you are smoking some high-quality CRACK if you think I’m licking that glass.

• “Succession hive.” Why can’t y’all just watch a show and be normal…

• The fact that we have to work to make money? Literally no???? Why can’t we just chill all day like animals do I don’t get it 

• Stand-up comedians that aren’t like…George Carlin (RIP), Bernie Mac (RIP), Robin Williams (RIP), Mo’Nique or Steve Martin. Basically comedians under 50. Y’all are simply not giving what needs to be gave.

• Never having worked a service job. No need to say more. Fucking freaks. 

• Not pushing your chair in 

• Not having manners. Like I don’t expect you to be able identify a salad fork or anything but don’t act like you were raised in a brothel. Have some couth.

• Gossiping solely about people who work in media. I quite literally cannot tell those bitches apart can we please move on and talk about someone cool

• Blonde men

• Saying hereditary/midsonmar are you comfort films

• Saying A24 out loud 

• Having opinions on movies/shows and telling people them unprompted 

• Sincerely using Letterboxd. Babe you’re a freak

• Making forgetting taking your meds a personality

• Blaming everything on mental health. You don’t do stuff you think is “quirky” because you have anxiety/ADHD/OCD you’re literally just annoying me

• Screenshotting when people who barely know you exist block you and tweeting aboutit

• Owning a gun 

• Thinking people need guns 

• People who can’t just vibe 

• Never hanging out with your friends in complete silence as you text each other memes 

• Not liking horror movies 

• Telling people you hate children unprompted 

• Having a favorite Hollywood Chris 

• Saying “Hollywood Chris” 

• Knowing what Emma chamberlain does when you’re an adult

• Following addison rae 

• Participating in Olivia rodrigo discourse when you’re over the age of 19 

• Sincerely replying to tweets 

• Bringing up URL situations IRL. Can you chill? Why are you referencing my tweet at this kickback you psycho

• Never having seen an episode of Little House on the Prairie or The Parkers. I know these are two extremes but trust me I’ve thought about this a lot and this is how it has to be 

• Being mean to people online where they can see you instead of in your group chat(s) 

• Not gossiping (again) 

• Having shit like “P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way” or “Wakanda” or “Free Britney” as your Twitter location. Just say you live in a flyover state. Nothing wrong with that. It’s kinda chic tbh 

• The #FreeBritney movement. That’s my bitch forever but some of y’all are carrying. It’s weird. 

• Telling all your business online 

• Not telling all your business online in a tasteful way 

• Not crying about Brittany Murphy, Phillip Seymour Hoffman or John Ritter at least once a year. Psychopath behavior. 

• Not having siblings? That’s literally fucking weird?? Grow up 

• Not liking pickles. Unless you have an allergy that’s very childish. TBH even the allergy is pushing it

• Not having any food allergies at all. A bit greedy of you, no? 

• Reacting to someone’s IG story with an emoji. What am I meant to do with that, babes. 

• Having a father 

• Thinking you’re special because you don’t use dating apps. Congrats on getting railed by a stranger the old-fashioned way, dork. 

• Not eating at chain restaurants 

• Normalizing being vegan/vegan restaurants. I have a tree nut allergy so it’s technically ableist to invite me to Gracias Madre. Also ew.  

• Cashews being tree nuts when they look just like peanuts. Weird and scary. 

• Not openly discussing your cosmetic procedures. Babe I’ve seen your yearbook photos…

• Following Chrissy Teigen 

• Getting along with your sister. OK…

• Giving birth to a son. You’re literally giving birth to someone who is guaranteed to be giving someone a headache in the future. That’s weird.

• Taking movies seriously. What exactly were people expecting from Joaquin Phoenix playing the Joker 

• Pretending the dark knight is a good movie. RIP Heath but y’all can argue with a wall I don’t care 

• Marvel phases. Just make the movies WTF is “phase four” you weirdos?????????

• Watching WandaVision or Ted Lasso. Sorry but you’re a freak. 

• Not liking Gwyneth Paltrow. She’s literally minding her business…

• Owning a French bulldog. You’re weird and tbh you’re also bad with money. Paying thousands for an alien-looking dog to be born via c-section only for it to not even be able to jump up on your couch out of fear of hip dysplasia??????? Worrisome tbh.

• Not returning your cart after shopping. You’re weird, you’re rude, and we’re all talking about you 

• Knowing the name of your coworker’s spouse. One of you talks way too much. Nip that in the bud. 

• Chihuahuas 

• Making Clueless (1995) a personality trait when you’re not from LA. Babe our culture is not a costume…

• Coffee dates. A shiver went down my spine just typing that. 

• Knowing how to spell Jake Gyllenhaal without copy/pasting from Google. Bitch wtf 

• Ted Lasso 

• Taking a screenshot and tweeting when a celebrity follows you. Why are you making it weird…

• Saying you’re a cat person. I do not care and the cats don’t either. 

• Whoever decided to rebrand pleather as “vegan leather.” Lipstick on a pig, babe. 

• Bowling. Legit gives me the ick to even type the word. Never invite me to one of those places I will not go and I will start hating you. 

• Being proud of going to sweetgreen 

• Being over the age of 25 and posting about Kourtney Kardashian/Travis Barker and Megan Fox/Machine Gun Kelly. Not only are you weird, you need intense therapy. Freak behavior!!! 

👇🏾👇🏾👇🏾

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👇🏾👇🏾👇🏾

Subject: wedding dress

Dear Alexis,

is a white wedding dress worth it?

Sincerely, bride to be

Dear bride to be,

I am so single that I cannot even afford to think about the concept of a “wedding dress,” so I truly cannot tell you. What I can tell you is that if you like the dress, you should wear the dress! Unless it’s ugly, there’s no reason for you to base your decision on any rules. When it comes to your wedding day (or any major event), these are the only things you need to keep in mind:

💗 Alexis

Leave a comment

Ask me a question!

Subject: Roommate Romance?

Dear Alexis,

Last year, I reached out to an online ad for a roomie and found the perfect one. She’s great, and has the same ideas about keeping house as me(don’t be nasty, if you find a good tv share with the class etc). We’re both lesbians and over the past couple of months we’ve been getting closer, hanging out more alone, even falling asleep together sometimes. This isn’t like an oblivious thing, I’m hot and she’s hot and the feelings are clearly there. The thing is, we live together and as good as it is now, I know nothing is guaranteed and things can take a turn. But also, we’re both mature and can handle heartbreak. I guess my question is: should I go for it or keep living in the season 1 will they or won’t they nightmare.

Sincerely, Loren

Loren! Finally, some real romance in the joint. But let’s get to it. We have no time to waste. Here are the top 5 reasons you should boink your roommate:

1. You’re both respectful and clean 🛁.

2. You share TV shows. (Real love 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩.)

3. You’ve been getting closer ➡️⬅️.

4. You’re both hot 🥵.

5. You’re both hot lesbians 🔥👯‍♀️.

I think we all know what needs to be done! They say you should never look a gift horse in the mouth, and I say you should never miss a chance to get your back blown out 🤷🏾‍♀️.

Sure, nothing is guaranteed, but your odds here are better as there are no men involved. Just do it! You already said that you’re hot and that she’s hot. What are you waiting for? Go for it! After all, who are you to rob someone of the opportunity of recreating this:

💗Alexis

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Ask me a question!

Subject: COLLEGE?????????!

Dear Alexis,

Do I drop out of college?! 

I have literally been attempting to get a basic BA (because I have always been told it would open more doors for me) since 2014. It is so hard for me. I have withdrawn from three semesters, taken a year off, gotten tested for ADHD and ADD, etc. I do not know what is going on. I just have THE hardest time with school! I think I’m smart enough, High School was pretty easy for me, but I just cannot seem to pass my freaking classes. I even switched majors to the easiest thing I could find! I studied for 20 hours and think I failed my last final today. 

Should I just drop out? 

Should I stick with it? 

I have always been told that graduating would open more doors for me and would be easier for me to be successful. 

What do I do Alexis?!?!? Please help me!!!!

Sincerely, I’m a dumbass

You’re not a dumbass because you don’t want to finish college. If anything, the bitch sitting on about $40k in student loans only to end up tweeting for a living (me) is the dumbass. Cher didn’t go to college. Would you call Cher a dumbass? Because you shouldn’t!

It sounds like college isn’t your thing, and that’s okay! Plenty of people don’t finish or even go to college, and I’m sure they all sleep extremely well at night knowing they won't have student debt looming over them for the rest of their lives. (Love that for them, TBH 🙃!) 

Look, some people will tell you that having a degree is important, and they’re probably right when it comes to dentists, doctors, and lawyers. But the rest of us? I’m willing to bet that the rest of us would have turned out just fine if we skipped those four years of being harassed by on-campus security, paying $7 to print something, dodging rush week, and binge drinking. College is great for socializing and making friends, yes, but you can also just do that on Twitter like a normal person. 

It’s 2021! Everything you need to learn you can learn on YouTube, TikTok, or Reddit. If you want to drop out, drop out! What’s anyone gonna do, be mad that you’re not interested in contributing to the nation’s student loan debt? 

 TLDR: some people will tell you that college is necessary, and I personally believe that those people are all Navient employees, if not just straight-up nerds. 

Claire Danes didn’t finish college, and she’s in this cinematic masterpiece: 

💗 Alexis

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Ask me a question!

Alright, team. Great hustle. As usual, feel free to ask me a question here or send me an email.

💞💞💞

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The good news is, I got a job; the bad news is, I still have no concept of how time/calendar days work, so you should expect to receive another newsletter tonight. In turn, I will expect you to pretend that I sent both newsletters sporadically throughout June and not at the last minute. Teamwork makes the dream work, baby 🤪…

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Subject: sweaty stalking sociopaths

Dear Alexis,  

     A year ago I ended a three year long emotionally abusive relationship. I was manipulated into being “non monogamous” months after we had started dating because he never took a second to tell me, and then it was presented as a “if you don’t do this you’re not strong enough” lose-lose decision. He was dating another girl for our entire relationship and cancelled on me (or hid that he had already made plans with her) numerous times, including after my pet had just died, to be with her instead. I caught him texting her in my bed right after we’d had sex. Any time I tried to express hurt, ask for communication, try and establish more set rules, I would get shut down - either he wouldn’t speak to me or i would be reminded that i wasn’t “strong enough.” Things got emotionally very dangerous for me and I came out of it with a PTSD diagnosis and a $3000 hospital IOP bill.
     He is still with that girlfriend. During the summer I participated in outdoor exercise classes from a local studio I’d been going to for over a year; she suddenly started showing up. I tried reaching out and asking her to let me have this space, it was the only way I had been able to heal, this man is an abuser - “sorry, that’s not my responsibility.” Seeing her multiple times a week was a nightmare, but I had been informed by someone else who had reached out to her that she would stop coming when outdoor was over and used that to push me through.
     Anyway, not only did she decide to start coming to the studio this week, she is going out of her way to make herself visible - waiting outside the practice room until I go in, leaving the room if I leave the room, standing with her mat rolled up waiting for me to get up and leave after class, moving her stuff so it’s closer to mine outside so she’s the first thing I see when I’m about to leave. My anxiety has gotten so bad I can barely function.
     Long story short, how can I get this bitch to leave me alone?

Sincerely, perturbed pilates princess

Dear Perturbed Pilates Princess,

While it was nice of you to reach out to her on a “woman to woman” level, I fear that this bitch is an actual demon and that in doing that, you triggered something in her little lizard brain that made her think it would be acceptable to try to intimidate you during Pilates class. While this absolutely fucking blows, you should be proud of yourself for pushing through and still going to class despite all of this! As an additional win, it seems pretty clear to me that this bitch is not seeing a glimpse of Heaven, unlike you, a fitness legend who simply minds their own business ☝🏾!

When I want someone to leave me alone, I simply……act crazy. Depending on how crazy, this method has a solid success rate (at least 98% if we were to do the math). Now for the fun part: how you get this psycho to leave you alone.

1. Don’t sweat it 🚫💦. The only thing you should let make you sweat while you’re at the Pilates studio is the instructor. I know it’s easier said than done, but you have to try your hardest to pay this bitch no mind- that’s precisely what she wants you to do!

2. Make it a group effort 👯‍♀️. This one is optional, but I highly recommend it, as like most things in life, getting under a bitch’s skin is much more fun with a friend! I would bet money that this girl thinks she won some illustrious prize by dating your ex and that she thinks you’re some miserable, lonely loser whose only friend is the Pilates instructor. WRONG ❌. Bringing a friend with you to class will not only help keep your mind off of her, but also show her that she is the loser lonely enough to pick up torturing you as a hobby.

3. Play nice 😇. I know this is probably the last thing you want to hear, but it might just be the most important! I have dealt with my fair share of women crazy enough to try me during a workout class, and 9/10 times, killing them with kindness is the way to go. When you see her outside the practice room, hit her with a “Hey girlie! I didn’t know you went here! 😄”

If all else fails, it sure would be a shame if an unidentified person you have never met in your life slashed her tires during class 😕🤪☺️.

💘 Alexis

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Ask me a question!

Subject: Wasting My Life Away

Dear Alexis, I graduated from college last year and have been unemployed ever since. My parents are mad, my friends think I’m an idiot, and the guy I’m fucking won’t commit until I “grow up.” I guess I’m embarrassed but I also have been mentally ill for years and am confused how no one saw this coming. I guess my question is, will getting a job fix what 150mg of Effexor can’t?? Does it get better?? Am I just 23 and dramatic?? How do I start a life when I never planned on being alive this long in the first place?

Sincerely,piece of shit

You’re not a piece of shit! You are being a little dramatic, but you’re 23, so I expect you to be nothing less. That’s practically your job! Let’s breakdown the things you just listed:

• Your parents are mad. Who cares. Parents are always mad. Struck from the record. Next item on the docket, please! 👩🏾‍⚖️

• Your “friends” think you’re an idiot. If these people you think are your friends think you’re an idiot, they aren’t your friends. I repeat 🗣 THOSE. ARE NOT. YOUR FRIENDS. I’d bet you my left titty (my good one, BTW) that these people won’t be in your life in a few years- and that’ll be a good thing! Friends should understand when you’re going through a rough time at the very least and help you through those rough times at best! Kick those nerds to the curb. They’re canceled. (Like officially canceled- I took a vote, and it was unanimous.)

• The guy you’re fucking won’t commit until you “grow up.” I don’t even know what that means, and even if I did, it wouldn’t matter as I don’t believe in listening to men. Most (if not all) men don’t even wash their hands after they pee- what business do you have taking life advice from one? As if 🤢!

When I was fresh out of college, I lived in Brentwood with a girl who once ate four sticks of my butter (IDK) and worked as a personal assistant for an executive producer whose Russian mistress would randomly make appearances while I was house-sitting. What happened next, you may ask? Well, it’s simple: one day, he sent me an email saying he couldn’t afford to pay me! I started delivering cookie bouquets part-time (think Edible Arrangements, but ones you’d want to eat) and eventually landed a job working for an awful woman at a PR boutique who spent her days yelling at clients on the phone (or her employees IRL). “Awful” as in impressively racist, “PR boutique” as in a random house in the Valley. Nothing humbles a recent college grad quite like having to remember to roll out the trash bins on trash day, amirite!?

As you may have guessed by now, I wasn’t able to afford rent, Yogurtland twice a day, and to replace all of the food my roommate kept eating (that’s another story for another newsletter), so I formally entered my (first) Flop Era™ and moved home. Eventually, my car would be repossessed, I would be diagnosed with an adjustment disorder, and the executive producer would subsequently end up in prison in the UK for tax fraud. Hollywood, baby! 🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩

All of that may sound depressing, but that’s because it was! Between you and I, you have nothing to worry about until your psychiatrist looks you dead in the eye and earnestly suggests you order a copy of What Color is Your Parachute? (Complete waste of time if your psychiatrist does do that, BTW. But you didn’t hear it from me!)

Not to bum you out, but 23 wasn’t looking too hot either! At that point, I was years out of college and trying to calculate just how much I could drive for Uber before having to report my earnings when certifying for unemployment. Then, the fateful day came when I would become a Nasty Gal employee. Except, I wasn’t an actual employee at first, I was an intern anxiously waiting for the next employee sample sale so I could snatch up a bunch of clothes to sell on Poshmark to be able to afford rent. #Girlboss alert 🚨!!

I’d love to be able to say, “it was all fun and games until I got fired from Nasty Gal,” but it wasn’t- because I also got carbon monoxide poisoning that year! You don’t know the true definition of “wasting one’s life away” until you’re on a first-name basis with several employees at The Southern California Gas Company; I will tell you that!

I say all that to say: it gets better- I promise! It doesn’t sound like things can get much worse! (No offense, though 💗.)

You aren’t wasting your life away. You’re 23, fresh out of college, unsupported by those around you, and trying to survive a pandemic- give yourself a break! A job isn’t the end-all-be-all. People only say that to get you to pay for LinkedIn Premium 🙄. And never, and I mean never, be ashamed of being mentally ill. Many people are mentally ill, and some of us have even used it to our advantage and gone on to write books, make movies, become president or even start newsletters 😏. Despite what those around you say or how you may feel in this moment, you’re doing amazing, sweetie!

In summary, let your parents be mad, realize that your “friends” are actually your haters, ditch that guy, and keep taking your meds. Oh- also, listen to this on repeat. Works like a charm:

In Jojo Siwa we trust,

💘 Alexis

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Ask me a question!

Subject: Cheater Sympathizing.

Dear Alexis, I recently had a woman slide into my DMs with receipts of my boyfriend cheating on me. She said he’d asked her to be FWB and they met up to discuss it. They ended up kissing that day but nothing happened. My boyfriend currently lives with me and pays less than half of our rent and makes no contribution to bills. All this considered I do love him but don’t want to set the impression that he can do this in the future. Do I cut him and my losses off (his stuff is currently packed in my bedroom) or do I give him a second chance?

Sincerely, Hurt and Confused

Dear Hurt & Confused, 

Let’s get right to it:

Now that that’s out of the way let’s get down to business. Here are the Top 3 Reasons You Should Kick Him to the Curb™️:

1. Like many men that came before him, this man is more trouble than he’s worth. On top of paying zero bills and almost no rent, he has the nerve to be looking for other women to mooch off of? I’m sorry, sweetie, but no 💖. Absolutely the fuck not ❌.

2. Yes, times are tough, but he’s mooching, sister! Instead of cheating, he should have been listing his sneaker collection on StockX or something so he could chip in on some of those bills. A man should not be both broke and whack, and he needs to pick a struggle like the rest of us ☝🏾.

3. I hate to say it. I hope I don’t sound ridiculous, but this man doesn’t give a single fuck about you. He’s not even the reason you know he’s cheating! He was quite literally so bad at cheating that the cheatress in question ran to you to spill the beans. Oh, brother, this guy stinks 👎🏾🤮!

While I’m sure your charitable efforts of letting your boyfriend get away with all this will get you into Heaven, you are in no way obligated to provide for anyone else- especially if they don’t even respect you. All this man had to do was mind men’s business and go rock climbing or to Lowe’s to buy materials to build you a coffee table, yet he chose chaos. I believe I speak for all of us when I say: 🗣️ DUMP HIM. He can go live with his FWB. What is a benefit from a friend, if not a couch to crash on?

P.S.

If you need some inspo to hype yourself up to send him on his way, I highly recommend She-Devil:

After all, justice serves those who serves themselves 😈!

💘 Alexis

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Ask me a question!

Alright, gang. I’d love to stay and chat, but it is way past my therapist-approved bedtime, and I’ll be damned if I spent all that money on dermal fillers only to ruin my skin by lack of sleep. That’s a chump move if I have ever heard one. As usual, feel free to ask me a question here or send me an email.

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Hello, and welcome to Mentally Shrill! Today (tonight?), we will be pretending that life has not been kicking my ass and that I am not attempting to send 3 newsletters in one night. Why? Because life actually has be…

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In this issue, we’ll tackle being catfished from across the pond, how to lose baby weight, and what to do if your former boss and their overall menacing energy are still haunting you at your new job.

Before we get to the fun part (paid subscribers, feel free to scroll on by and pretend I am not about to recycle a joke), I wanted to let you all know about my decision to send the free version of Mentally Shrill once a month, and the paid version bi-weekly. (Bi-weekly as in twice a month- not the other, stupider version of the same word that means twice a week.)

While I’m having a blast being nosy and giving advice, I want to be #mindful of my personal expectations and avoid any possible burnout. 

This will also give me the chance to have themed newsletters- and who doesn’t love a theme? (Absolute dweebs, that’s who.)

But wait! There’s more! Because I am both a saint and a #Maxxinista, until April 1, you can redeem this offer and sample the paid version of Mentally Shrill for a week to see how the other half lives. No need to thank me. I am America’s Unhinged Sweetheart, after all 😇.

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Subject: Maybe getting catfished?

Dear Alexis, For the past 6 months I’ve been talking to a guy in the UK (i’m in the US) I met online on an unnamed site for horny adults. Initially we started out sexting, but after our first convo we started talking about normal shit and really hit it off. We’ve talked every day since then, we’ve both admitted feelings for each other, but he will not send me a photo of his full face. I’ve gotten like everything from the nose down but no idea what the top half looks like, and when I ask him about it he’s not defensive but just says he’s super anxious about it and not ready, like basically he’s uncomfortable with the way we met, and that he’s sure he just needs more time. Idk how much more time I can let this go on for but I don’t want to stop talking to him.  

My therapist told me I really need to get back on the apps and talk to guys who will show me their face, but I really like this one and have had AWFUL tinder/bumble/hinge experiences so I’m not super into her suggestion, but as someone who watched catfish religiously I feel dumb waiting it out for this long. WWAD?

Sincerely, Feeling kind of dumb!

Dear Catfish Victim,

Don’t feel dumb- who among us hasn’t changed their location to the UK on their preferred dating site on the off chance that you meet your soulmate and also dip into the world of 90 Day Fiancé fame? See? No one denies it. Happens all the time. 

The bad news is you are most definitely getting catfished, but the good news is you know what he looks like from the nose down, and that’s certainly……………..a start! Of course, there is the off chance that he is just uncomfortable about how you met and anxious to show himself to you, but even if this is the case, you’ve been talking to him for 6 months, it’s beyond time for him to reveal himself.  

Your therapist is right- you do need to get back on the apps and talk to guys who will show you their faces- regardless of how much you like Mr. Noface; especially since you’ve already asked him to send photos before. If he has real feelings for you, showing you what he looks like should be NBD, regardless of how you met. What exactly is there for him to be ~uncomfortable~ about? You were there on the same horny website as him. Being horny just like everyone else. There’s nothing left for him to get ready for. You already knew the deal!

Look- this is weird of him, like really really weird. But at the same time, men are always weird, so while this doesn’t need to be a huge thing that you feel embarrassed about, it is something you should nip in the bud as soon as possible. I even made you this graphic to send to him to break the ice: 

What I would do is be direct and tell him that you’re hitting a wall and need to see his face. If he has true feelings for you, he’ll either oblige and show you what he looks like or admit that he’s a big ole lying liar who’s been catfishing you this whole time. There’s also the bonus option of him admitting that he’s secretly married with 5 kids- but it’s Friday, so let’s not go there. 

Being attached to him isn’t a good reason to torture yourself like this. At this point, he could look like Idris Elba, and it still wouldn’t change the fact that he’s been speaking to you for 6 months and hasn’t shown his face. It’s not like you met each other while online gaming- he was on a horny website! Being horny! Surely he should have expected that someone would want to see his face. That’s like 50% of the deal!

At the end of the day, you want to know what he looks like. Hell- I want to know what he looks like, and this doesn’t even involve me. Ask him to send a photo one last time (don’t forget to be direct ☝🏾), and if he’s still giving you the runaround, it’s time to toss the wanker, as they say across the pond 💂🏻‍♂️🇬🇧. He’s either ugly or he’s not- and you cannot keep living like this, especially after 6 months. 

Don’t be too worried about your past experiences on Tinder/Bumble/Hinge; we’ve all been there, and some of us (me) are still there. Unfortunately, that’s life! Of course, you could always ignore me and keep talking to your mystery man, but what do you have to gain? What happens if you let things get too far? Are you comfortable with your engagement shoot being shot only from the nose down? Because I certainly wouldn’t be!  

Good luck! 

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Subject: Baby Weight

Dear Alexis, Is there anything worse than trying to lose the baby weight during a global pandemic? Probably, yes, but this is my time to shine (complain). Every time I start a diet or exercise routine, I give up after a week. How can I stay motivated when I'm dealing with my regular anxiety/depression, global pandemic depression, and the need to pour all my heart and soul into my son? I feel like I have no energy left for myself after giving him my all.

Sincerely, Not a Blogger Mom

Dear Not a Blogger Mom, 

Congrats on the new baby! I’ve never personally struggled with losing baby weight, but I was once sabotaged by a gyno who put me on The Pill, which made me gain a ton of weight, so that’s kinda the same? (No, it’s not.) Anyway, don’t be too hard on yourself! I know it seems that way, but not everyone went and bought a Peloton as soon as lockdown started, and between you and I, I’m almost confident the ones that did barely use them anyway. What I’m getting at is: at least you have a good reason to be too exhausted to workout, unlike some people who play up their mild to moderate foot injuries whenever their psychiatrists ask how incorporating daily exercise into their routine is going. Not that I would know 😉😉. 

-I personally don’t believe in diets. If I’m not going to eat a certain way forever, I don’t see the point! I tried a juice cleanse once, know what happened? I made it to approximately 1 pm when everyone in my office ordered Mexican food, which came with a shopping bag full of tortilla chips. I got a nice Pressed Juicery cooler out of it, though 🙃!   

-When I’m not in the mood to work out or just really exhausted, I stretch and tell myself that’s good enough. Because it is! I really like the Sworkit Stretching app- it’s free 🤑 and offers you the option of Full Body, Head to Toe, or Pilates Essentials. You can also choose any duration between 5 and 60 minutes for your workout, which helps me trick myself into ~only~ working out for 15 or 20 minutes. 

-I’ve recommended this before, but this exercise bike could be a great option to get your legs moving at your own pace, plus- it’s really good to pile clothes on when you don’t feel like putting laundry away. Multi-use. Chic! Exerpeutic Folding Magnetic Upright Exercise Bike ($148)

-As a bonus, you can always listen to my current spin playlist when you’re feeling spicy:

P.S.

Not to body shame, but how heavy is your baby? Depending on how girthy he is, you could probably just pick him up and do some squats for 10 minutes a day. It’s not like he’s got anything else to do, and this is basically his fault anyway. Put that baby to work!

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Subject: we live in a capitalist hellscape, am i right?

Dear Alexis, So for the second half of 2020, I had a shitty job with a horrible boss whom I was terrified of, and even though I have since left that job and have a new, better boss it feels like I'm still constantly on edge. I jump at unexpected noises when I'm at work, find myself internally panicking and resisting the urge to shush my coworkers whenever they're being loud or energetic out of fear that somebody is gonna stomp in and scream at us, and am generally filled with dread and anxiety at the idea of going to work. 

Frankly I find the idea of one psychopath still affecting my life so much even after leaving that job to be extremely cringe, would you happen to have any advice for me? Or ideas for ways I could place some kind of evil curse on my old boss, either is great.

Sincerely,  humble #GirlEmployee

Dear Humble #GirlEmployee, 

First off, congrats on the new-ish job, glad you got away from that horrible boss 🥳! I’ve definitely been there before- in fact, I’m still here. (Never sneak up on me. I’m a nervous puker.) You’ll probably benefit most from speaking to an actual therapist to work through the issues from your prior job, especially if it’s affecting your feelings on going to your current job, where things are seemingly a huge improvement. A therapist can help you learn techniques to ease your anxieties and hopefully prevent you from having a meltdown in the breakroom, forever cementing yourself as That Girl™. In the meantime, here are some other things you can try:

• As my own psychiatrist told me, “meditating isn’t for everyone,” but it’s definitely worth a shot! I don’t meditate regularly (obvi), but when I do remember, I like to use Headspace or Breethe.

• Give CBD a try. I’m a huge fan of Feals, and while I don’t know anything about CBD and can’t explain the science of why it helps with my anxiety, what I can do is offer $20 off your first full-bottle order when you use ALEXIS20 😏. 

• I don’t live by this tip at all, so feel free to ignore it, but allegedly limiting caffeine/alcohol/sugar/nicotine can help reduce anxiety. Allegedly. But again- I’ve never tried it. Cannot relate. Could NOT be me 🤪!

• If you’re able to leave a review on Glassdoor and are comfortable doing so, let it rip! Not only will it be helpful to future employees, but you’ll also be able to get a lot off your chest. If you’re not able to or are afraid your boss will be able to identify you, write it anyway and do nothing with it. You’ll feel much better! I personally have a flair for the dramatic and would go as far as to print it out and burn it, but that part is up to you. 

Hope this helps! 

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Well, I think we’ve all learned a few essential lessons here. If there’s one thing I want everyone to take from this, it’s that the only thing men love more than lying is wasting your time. Write that down ✍🏾!

As always, you can email me your questions if you’re feeling brave or submit them anonymously here. Also, I’ve teamed up with my friend Gigi on a new enamel pin! You can pre-order them here to show the world that you fully endorse every insane thing that I say.

💗 Alexis

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Do you have to read your friend’s book? Is it okay to lie to get a vaccine? How do you stop texting a toxic ex? What do you do when you are just straight up capitalism’s bitch? Let’s find out together, as a family…

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Today’s burning questions: should we bring back the art of sending love letters? What candle should you buy? Should you be moisturizing your asshole? Why won’t your friend watch Gossip Girl? What the hell do you buy when you need to gift a Virgo?

Only one way to find out 👇🏾!

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Subject: How to Feel Myself

Dear Alexis, your content always makes me laugh :) i just left an abusive relationship (wooo but also ow) and i'm wondering if you have any suggestions on treating myself and feeling empowered? love you, thank you :)

Sincerely, Ass and Heart Are Fat

Dear Ass and Heart Are Fat,

Thank you, and I’m so proud of you! Also, proud of you for having a fat ass, as I cannot relate 🤧. I love treating myself. I love treating myself A LOT. I considered including a screenshot of all my current pending orders, but I bought myself a pair of Outdoor Voices Hokas when I had no business doing so, and quite frankly, I do not want you people minding my business that way- that’s what my mom is for. Anyhoo…

At this point, I am being held together by a handful of things that include watching an inhumane amount of television, candles that cost too much, junk food, cheap candles, hair masks, a suspiciously high Afterpay limit, and more television. I’ve gotten into collaging lately, too, but my therapist suggested that and this is a solo show, so do with that suggestion what you will.

I also bought an exercise bike on Amazon recently because my psychiatrist suggested working out for 30 minutes a day instead of upping my Wellbutrin dosage, but I haven’t really used it. I’m sure he’s right or whatever (he apparently went to medical school??), but it’s Girl Scout cookie season, so it seems a bit counterproductive to start working out now, ya know? IDK. It makes sense to me. Let’s move on.

My only real suggestion here is: see something you like at a reasonable price? Buy it- you deserve it! Sometimes I even buy myself stuff that’s not reasonably priced just to feel something, although I can’t say I fully back this idea- nor can my credit score. It’s not all about buying stuff, though. Treating yourself can also come in doing whatever makes you happy or even just giving yourself a break. That being said, boy, do I love buying stuff. I could buy stuff all day. In fact, I think after I finish this newsletter, I’ll play some Animal Crossing so I can buy myself some virtual stuff. It could just be Capitalism speaking but…….man, do I love stuff 🤑💲💸. Here are my current faves:

• Boy Smells - Slow Burn - $39

• Girl Scout Cookies from Troop 6000 -$5 ($20 order minimum, child’s play)

• The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma - $17.48

• BriogeoScalp Revival Charcoal + Coconut Oil Micro-exfoliating Scalp Scrub Shampoo - $42

• Man Club - Cha-Ching Moisturizing Mask - $3

• Exerpeutic Folding Magnetic Upright Exercise Bike with Pulse - $149

• Nu Sweat - Stress Relief Pilates with Ky - $20 (I haven’t taken

  • (They also have On-Demand classes - $10)

  Good luck, and keep up the great work 💗💗💗.

  ---

  Subject: Too late to redeem myself?

  Dear Alexis, I finally hooked up with my yearslong back-of-my-mind crush mid-pandemic, and shocker—we have not exchanged words since he was literally inside me. I know that someone watching your IG stories doesn’t mean that they’re desperately obsessed with you (checking story views is a disease I will never be cured of), but it’s been like three months of radio silence and I’m wondering if it’s too late/weird/random/ to even text him at this point. He prob doesn’t care?

  Sincerely, outlaw air sign men

Dear Outlaw Air Sign Men,

Text him what, exactly? Do you have something to tell him? Did you do something embarrassing during your hookup that you feel you need to “redeem yourself” for? If not, no. Do not text him. What is there for you to say to him? Are you going to tell him about the crush? What the weather’s like? What you’re making for dinner? Because you said yourself that he’s watching your IG stories, so…surely he knows at least two of those things.

On the other hand, if you have something you want to say to him, then, by all means, text him. I don’t think it’s “too late” to text him if you have something thoughtful to say, and the worst thing that can come from you texting him is he ignores you or flat out rejects you. If that’s the case, it’ll sting, of course. But if you have something you need to tell him, then just rip off the bandaid and move on already!

In conclusion, three months is basically six years in quarantine time, so if you’re waiting for this man to swoop in with some big romantic gesture, AKA reply to your story with the 💯 reaction or a “haha tight,” then I need you to put your phone down and go splash some cold water on your face immediately because that’s not happening. I could be wrong about this, but I haven’t been wrong about anything since like 1998, so I highly doubt that.

It’s a tough pill to swallow, but: if he wanted to, he would. And that goes for just about everyone/everything! Forcing an interaction will more than likely lead to an awkward or uncomfortable situation down the line, so try just to let things like this be. Again: if he wanted to, he would. This man has been inside of you; it’s not like he’s shy or afraid of you!

There’s no point in you stressing yourself out like this at all. I don’t care how tall he is or if it was the best sex you ever had- it’s time to move on. A guy I matched with/talked to who ghosted me in November followed me on Insta and will now reply to my stories. What do I do? Not respond. Mostly because I am mentally ill and really struggle with responding to messages, but that’s neither here nor there. My point is: if they wanted to, they would. Keep your chin up- at least you got some dick out of it!

Subject: Sexting the Ex Fling

Dear Alexis, How do I initiate sexting with that one guy who I can’t let go of physically? We don’t live in the same city and I feel over him emotionally so I think it’s a risk I can take. We were friends for a long time and then began having HOT sleepovers and liking each other but it didn’t blossom and I got hurt. This was two years ago tho and we’re friends again. I think I’m not over it because we never had full P in V (technical difficulties on his end, which I believe to be the reason he pulled away hence didn’t become my boyfriend). Anyways I have a soapy titty pic that’s going to waste and I know he’s still attracted to me and I want to be the main character so help!

Sincerely, In therapy

Dear No P in the V,

Hmmm, much to think about. A little unclear on your definition of “HOT,” as when I read that word, I assume it involves one getting their back blown out, which unfortunately does not sound like the case for you? Semantics aside- life is short. Let’s get you some virtual P.

I know you said you’re in therapy, but do you know that you can handle the possibility of maybe being rejected by this man again? If yes, are you sure? I don’t want to alarm you, but it’d be a colossal L for you to send that man your nips only for him to heart react to the photo and never speak to you again. (Don’t worry, I knocked on wood.)

I will say that if you have doubts about who would receive the titty pic and how said who will react, the titty pic shall not be sent ☝🏾. Titty pics are like risking a sneeze while on your period: deep down, you know when you should and when you shouldn’t. Trust your gut.

You know him better than I do (I don’t know either one of you tbqh), so all I can suggest here is that you ask yourself these questions: Is he in the right headspace to receive a titty pic? Are you in the right headspace to send a titty pic? Do you feel held by him? Does he feel like home to you? Why does the caged bird sing? Is Andie wearing the Chanel boots? (Yeah, she is.)

These are all important questions. You’re in therapy now. You’ve come a long way. Never let your mental health backslide over the possibility of a man maybe wanting to see a tit.

P.S.

A soapy titty pic will never go to waste as a soapy titty pic never expires- DOY!

P.P.S.

Don’t sweat over being the main character- it’s not even that fun, really. The last time I was the main character, it resulted in a very chaotic year that involved weird shit like having a BuzzFeed editor try to play me and being blocked by Caroline Calloway for liking a comment on one of her Instagram posts. Not to mention that NYT reporter with the bad barrel curls who hates everything- including the idea of having good takes. Embar for me on all three accounts! 0/10. Can’t say I recommend it!

That’s all, folks! As usual, the bravest of you can email your questions to ask@mentallyshrill.com, and the rest of you heathens can ask anonymously here.

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Subject: conspiracy mother in law

Dear Alexis, My boyfriend and I have been together for 6+ years and are very happy – we're happy,…

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Hello, and welcome to a very special Valentine’s Day edition of Mentally Shrill! Today we will humble ourselves and realize that not everyone is out to fuck us, learn how to move on/where to order a heart-shaped pizza from, prep someone for their very first dick appointment, and finally text that crush.

Dear Alexis, I recently got friendzoned by a super sexy guy and I don’t know how to get over him. I post thirst traps in hopes that he watches them and tinder don’t even hit no more cus it feels like no-one is as sexy as him. How do I move on and realize he was a total loser. Because he was.

Sincerely, one donkey staring at herself in the mirror

First off, I don’t know who you are or if I actually know you at all, but stop talking about my friend like that- you are not a donkey 😤. 🗣 THIS IS A SELF-LOVING HOTTIES ONLY ZONE. PERIOD ☝🏾⚠️

My work is already done for me here- you already said he’s a loser! So let’s keep that same energy and lose his number. (Sorry, everyone. I’ll see myself out 😔.) If the men on Tinder aren’t hitting (they rarely are), try a different app. Literally any app. It doesn’t even have to be a dating app. At this point, everyone is so lonely and alone that you could probably post a thirst trap on LinkedIn and be engaged by Thursday. (I call dibs on officiating the wedding if this is the case.) Better yet- free yourself from the shackles of being boo’d up and embrace being single.

To reiterate: you said he was a loser. You know this about him. The next step is moving on, girlie. Grab a bottle of champagne and order yourself one of those heart-shaped pizzas from Papa John’s and call it a day. You never know- maybe the delivery guy will be single and a certified hottie!

P.S.

They come with brownies now 😘🌹. His loss!

Subject: Who wears snapbacks inside??????

Dear Alexis, Turns out the girl in my Friday morning lectures isn’t gay and just has a thing for snapbacks and muscle tees. Whatever. Although she did agree to come over and spend Valentine’s Day with me. Although now I wonder if she’s thinking it might be Galentines day. Which. Even the word is ugly. What to do? How to let her know I thought she was a scissor sister without potentially offending?

Sincerely: The L (late to the party) word.

Dear The L Word,

You might find this hard to believe, but not everyone is trying to fuck. Some people don’t fuck at all. I love that for them! Even if she is gay, she could just want to be your friend! I’m friends with many gay people, but guess how many of them I’ve fucked? Zero. (To my knowledge.)

I don’t think you need to lead with “PLEASE DO NOT SCISSOR ME, MADAM” right out the gate- let’s put that in our back pocket and keep it there until the time comes. (It probably won’t.)

To your point- I agree that Galentine’s Day is stupid as hell. And TBH? As an aggressively straight woman, I’d personally argue that only cishet women would acknowledge/celebrate it, so yeah, I could see her being straight, for sure.

As for the answer to your question…who wears snapbacks indoors, you ask? Well, that’s easy. The answer is drug dealers and Zendaya in 2013, but all of these people mentioned are the backbones of America (and HBO programming), so we have no choice but to thank them all for their service and press on. Lighten up! Make a new friend! Hell, maybe you’ll get some free dr*gs out of it. Win/win!

Subject: Virginity

Dear Alexis, I’m gonna sound ridiculous. Just know that I know. Anyways, my parents are going out of town for the week leaving me at home alone (I’m 18 doing college from home because of covid) and I wanted to find a guy to come over and have sex with me (take my virginity away.) He gets covid tested for work so I know he won’t be positive, and I haven’t seen anyone in a month so I know I don’t have it. Anywayssss that’s the week I get my fucking period, so I’ve been trying to induce my period by eating the most disgusting turmeric and vitamin c concoctions (it’s not working lol.) Am I ridiculous for putting this much effort in just to lose my virginity to a random guy I met on a dating app who I know like nothing about?

Sincerely, a fan

YOUR MIND.

You don’t sound ridiculous at all. In fact, I think you’re a queen. This country hasn’t seen this type of work ethic since the Bush administration. Personally speaking, I think we could all learn a thing or 20 from you! Just starting, and you’ve already secured a man with a job. Stunning. We stan!

First off, don’t stress over period sex. Like, at all. Any man who is afraid of period sex is too childish to be having sex anyway. Write that down ✍🏾! If you’re anxious about it, you could always put a towel down- just make sure it’s not one of your mom’s good ones. Awk!

If you’re really nervous about it, you could always try a menstrual cup, like one of these:

• FLEX Menstrual Discs - 12ct - $14.99

• Saalt Menstrual Cup - Ocean Blue - Regular - $32.99

Regardless of if you go with a menstrual cup or not, pick up some condoms! Men love to pretend they ~forgot~ them, and I’d hate to have to go to jail over a follower’s dick appointment trying to pull a fast one.

Also, before he comes over, make sure you tell a close friend about him in case he’s wack as fuck and needs to get his shit rocked. Text your friend his info and let them know when he arrives and when he leaves, so they know you’re safe. This is a good rule in general when it comes to meeting men from dating apps, BTW. Men are sick, nasty little individuals who should be monitored 24/7. I’m not trying to scare you, but they really are sick. SICK. They don’t even deserve rights.

Good luck, queen. I’m rooting for you. We are all rooting for you 💘.

Subject: me to me: stop being schizophrenic

Dear Alexis, I've had a crush on my roommate's friend for a while now, and it seemed like something was finally about to happen because we were hanging out a lot and had all these plans to do stuff together, but this all happened last March right before quarantine started lololol so I basically haven't seen him in a year. I think about him a ton but always chicken out when I think about reaching out to him, and then a few days ago I had a dream that my roommate sat me down and said "I'm just going to invite [redacted] over to our apartment and then leave so you guys can be alone and tell each other how you feel and you can stop acting so schizophrenic." I can't get over the fact that this is how my subconscious has chosen to approach this situation. And it doesn't make me want to be any less of a chicken. But I do really like him and am sick of this purgatory!! what do you think i should do :(

Sincerely, i hate it here!

Dear I Hate It Here,

1. Stop stressing over a man. Yucky 🤢! I don’t want to sound too harsh, but he either likes you back, or he doesn’t, and as a lover of love and Pisces/big believer in dreams, I feel like he probably does! On the off chance that he doesn’t? So what? 🗣WE MOVE. There are tons of available men- some might even say too many. We will find you another one. I can promise you that.

2. Get some intel from your roommate. You seem to be crushing pretty hard, so I’m assuming you already know a bit about this guy, but having a little more info couldn’t hurt. Be careful with this, though- nothing worse than slipping up and referencing undisclosed intel about a man’s history that you found out on your own to said man. Embar!

3. Just text him! After some light data collection courtesy of your roommate, pick one of his interests that you’re also into and shoot him a text. All you need to say is something like “[link about whatever nerd shit he’s into] this reminded me of you.” Something light. Something corny. It doesn’t need to be complex- he is a man, after all. You could quite literally text a man a Spotify link to Michael Jackson - Thriller and ask if he’s heard it, and he will respond. They’re thirsty like that.

   I come up with all sorts of reasons to bother men. It’s kinda fun, TBH. So just send the text! Worst case scenario is he doesn't answer/leaves you on read. Again: so what?? All men are ugly if you look at them long enough anyway. It’s like a scientific fact. (I cannot cite my sources here as I have none, but you all know I’m right anyway, so let’s move on.)

   But seriously, just text him. Rip the bandaid off. What else do you have to do?

That’s all I have for now. I’d love to stay and chat, but I have one of those heart-shaped pizzas waiting for me. This (unfortunately) isn’t Papa John’s sponcon or anything. I just love those pizzas.

Alexis 💗

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Should you eat Funyuns past 9 PM 🧐? Do you really need to go back and finish school 🤔? Just how low are pet insurance companies willing to go 🤨? (Spoiler alert: pretty fucking low)

Do you think my downstairs neighbor can hear it when I’m eating funyuns in the middle of the night? Should that be a concern of mine? 

I mean……..how loudly are you eating the Funyuns? Is “eating Funyuns” code for something else? Are you rolling marbles across the floor at the same time? Rearranging your furniture? Following in January Jones’ footsteps and practicing your amateur tap dancing? What’s the tea? Because if you’re actually doing something like having dick appointments late at night, you can definitely just tell me, you know. This is a safe space.

If you’re really just eating Funyuns late at night, then I don’t think they care. However, if you’re eating Funyuns, watching Beaches, and loudly sobbing at weird hours, then yeah- they’re probably concerned about you, and to be perfectly honest, I am too.

If I lived below you and heard you eating Funyuns (yes, I can definitely tell when someone is eating Funyuns), I would just be like, “…good for them” and invite you over to watch Storage Wars. But everyone isn’t hot, fun, sexy, hot, understanding, and cool like I am, so we can’t really assume things.

Just ask them! (Bring a bag of Funyuns for sure- there’s no need to be impolite, especially at a time like this.) Everyone should know their neighbors. Being friendly with your neighbors is helpful for all sorts of things like knowing why a package disappeared or confirming that Mike, the maintenance man enters your apartment when you’re not home to steal your panties and fruit punch. Not that I would know anything about that…….…🥲.

Dropped out of school. Thinking of using my talents to ‘do my own thing’ aka laze about for half a year as I discover myself. Really, I want to make money in a way that requires low effort and for me never to cite my work again. Or should I simply head back to school and suck it up. Thoughts? — 22 and hating it x 

My deepest apologies to you- being 22 fucking sucks LMAO. Of course you hate it! I’m pretty sure that’s actually the point of being 22, so like……..yeah…….good luck, babe. I don’t remember much of what I was doing at 22; I think that’s when I was diagnosed with an adjustment disorder and told to buy What Color Is Your Parachute? or some shit, but you don’t need to do that. It didn’t help. (Obvi.)

Should you go back to school? If you want to, yes! But if you’d be going back just to get a stupid ass little piece of paper that no one but your mom cares about, probably not!

I have no clue where my degree is, actually. It’s somewhere in my mom’s house, but so am I, so what did going to college do for me really? Not a goddamn thing, hunty! The only time I’ve actually “used” that stupid little journalism degree is like…writing this newsletter. I’m not even sure I’ve ever been asked about college in a job interview. It’s definitely a scam. A big, big, big scam.

What are these talents you speak of? Because if you’re trying to pursue a career in stand-up comedy, then yeah, you need to take your little happy ass right back to college and never speak of this moment in your life again. Just kidding! (Except I’m literally not. No more comedians. Ever. We’re good on that. Forever.)

I’m going to tell you what I wish someone had told me when I was 22: no one knows what they’re doing, no one is having fun, and there is definitely no one making money (legally) in a low effort way. If anyone tells you that they’re making money without effort, run away and lock the door because they are most likely trying to lure you into something dubious, and you’ve still got your whole life ahead of you.

Don’t worry about figuring it all out now, I’m practically 40 (I’m 28, which is practically 30, which is basically 40), and there is not a single soul alive who knows what the fuck I’m doing, like ever.

If worse comes to worst, you can just do what the rest of the 22-year-olds are doing: sell “vintage” Hellogoodbye and Death Cab for Cutie t-shirts on Depop at an 89% mark up of what they’re worth or….feet pics? I’ve actually never sold feet pics, but not for lack of trying! (If someone reading this gets off on flat size 11s HMU 😏.)

But seriously- stop stressing. To reiterate: no one knows what they’re doing, and no one is having fun. The only time I am having fun is when I wake up without lower back pain. But hey- at least you have this song?

it seems you’re having a traumatic experience with pet insurance, so I hate to bring it up but I trust your opinion... my dog was diagnosed with diabetes last year and now she’s going blind because cataracts. She’s only 7, she’s some kinda papillon mix so she’s got like half her life ahead of her. ANYWAYS, half the pet parents I know are telling me to get pet insurance now, but the other half are saying it’s not worth it. Did you get yours before or after the Cushing’s diagnosis? And was it worth it before they decided to get evil about mild tartar? Diabetes isn’t cheap, cataracts surgery pricing sounds like a scam, and I’m currently unemployed. I don’t want to have to teach her how to echolocate or whatever blind dogs do to get around. 

First off- no need to worry about bringing things like this up, I am quite literally always having a traumatic experience. I think God thinks it’s funny or something. It’s sick, but let’s move on. It’s not always about me.

Sorry about your dog, I connect to her on a spiritual level in that my life also spiraled out of control at age 7. (I lied earlier, everything is definitely always about me.) I don’t know much about dog diabetes/cataracts (or human diabetes/cataracts for that matter), but I do regularly check up on a diabetic dog with diminished eyesight at the Westie Rescue of California. His name’s Buster, and I think he’s a king:

Astro was diagnosed with Cushing’s while he already had insurance, and while it was worth it financially, they definitely made me sweat quite a few times. He’s actually scheduled to get his teeth cleaned on Thursday, and I’ll be able to get about $250 out of an estimated $685+ back. Thrifty 🙃! I pay about $65 a month for his insurance, which includes a wellness plan- and I’m beginning to suspect that I probably would have “saved” the same amount by just putting that money away in a separate account for him each month, but I’m here for a good time- not a smart time, so why would I do anything that makes sense? Yucky 🤮!

Unfortunately, no company is going to cover a pre-existing condition- especially not diabetes. If people suggest that you get a plan now, I have no choice but to assume they have some pet insurance plug or loophole to make it work, and if that’s the case, they should definitely share with the class immediately. Getting a plan now only makes sense if you’re worried about other health issues coming down the line, but I’d personally worry that the company would find a way to tie any other issues to diabetes or cataracts and not cover them. They’re evil like that.

In terms of cost, it’s always worth trying to find a vet/hospital that offers low-cost options; I also found this list of charities/organizations that might be able to help. If not, again, there’s always selling feet pics? (Yours, not your dog’s, unless you have her consent.)

Good luck, and feel free to reach out if you need any more help 💗!

Alexis

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Ann Curry, the blueprint.

Yes, I planned on sending the paid version on Wednesday. Yes, it’s Saturday. Shit happens. What are you gonna do about it? Beat my ass? During Black History Month? Yeah okay. Good luck with that one, pal.

Anyways…today we’re going to all hold hands in …

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Today, we’re going to discuss things I know a lot about: hating your miserable ass job but having bills to pay, getting rejected by every corporate job known to man, and one of my favorite topics: what happens when our octopus overlords finally rise and take over. LFGGGGGGGG 📘🦋🧚‍♂️🐍✨🥂💊🍓🌸

I've just been called back to work after a long furlough and had to take a force transfer... I've been assured both that it's temporary and also that I'm stuck there?? The job is miserable and I have to convince myself to go, but it's health insurance... How do quit this job and keep my bills paid?

I’m sorry, but what in tarnation does “temporary and also that I’m stuck there” mean? Is that even legal? Doesn’t sound legal. In fact, it’s giving slavery. Hate that for you!

I don’t think anyone should stay at a job where they’re miserable/have to force themselves to go to, regardless of how chic the concept of having health insurance is. We all have bills to pay, but you sound like you’re in critical condition, which means things will only get worse!

You really have to think long and hard about what’s making you miserable and go from there. Is your coworker just annoying and always talking to you about Game of Thrones/some other nerd shit, or is your boss a raging alcoholic that uses you as a punching bag? Or both? (If it is both, please quit your job and reach out to me so I can buy you a bottle of wine ASAP.)

On one hand, all jobs are miserable, and if you have bills to pay, you could try to suck it up. On the other hand, do you really want to be extra miserable on top of *gestures* all of this? No! And I don’t want that for you either!

Keep your chin up; things will get better! Maybe if you’re lucky, a sprinkler will fall on your desk like this queen:

Was she convicted of fraud? Yes! But that doesn’t mean you will be! Plus, she saw her chance, and she took it. I think we can all learn something from her. A queen, methinks!

I keep getting rejected from corporate jobs and feel like shit. Any advice on not taking things so personal? 

Babe, level with me here. It’s 2021, and we’re in the middle of a global pandemic. Only like 347 people have corporate jobs, and not a single one of them seems to be enjoying themselves.

TBH? Ditch the idea of having a “corporate” job and let yourself have a little fun. Work at a restaurant. Get overly attached to one of the busboys. Start an inappropriate sexting relationship with him. Show a little tiddy (do not show your face ). Loosen up!

This doesn’t mean much of anything, but at least you’re getting rejection emails. (We love a little closure!) One time a woman ghosted me about a job but later added me to her company’s mailing list. I would have 100% preferred a flat out rejection. (Lady, if you read this, please know you are not seeing even a glimpse of Heaven.)

Think of it this way- do you know anyone with a corporate job who’s happy about it? No! I haven’t had a corporate job in years, and I’m………………well I’m here, aren’t I 🙂?

You’ll eventually get a job, so don’t beat yourself up about it!

Looking for advice for our eventual AI/extraterrestrial overlords: what five modern cultural artifacts (obviously tweets/TikToks count) would you show them to give an impression of 2021 pop culture?

FINALLY, WE GET TO HAVE SOME FUN. As a devout believer in octopuses and their ability to take over whenever they see fit, I think about this often. Here’s my current list:

1. SOPHIE - It’s Okay To Cry

2. The Flower Bouquet LEGO set being put on StockX for double the original price:

   

3. Blake Lively’s nose job. (Not from 2021, but a timeless classic that paved the way for white women/Instagram faces everywhere and should be taught in history classes nonetheless.)

4. This NPR article about that stupid ass 22-year-old in Philadelphia who somehow convinced people that he could properly distribute vaccines.

5. These two tweets:

   Well, girls, that’s all I have for now. I’d love to stay and chat, but I have to prepare for a long day of guilting white people into paying for this newsletter tomorrow in honor of Black History Month. Ciao!