Hellooooooooooo campers ๐ค ๐! Have I ever told you guys about the time my boss went to prison for tax fraud? Good, because Iโm gonna tell you now! But most importantly: What should you do if your exโs current girlfriend tries to Single White Female you at Pilates? Is it possible for a 23-year-old to be wasting their life away? (No โค๏ธ.) Lastly, sympathizing with a cheater? Right in front of my salad ๐ฅ? Yucky!!!!!!
Subject:ย sweaty stalking sociopaths
Dear Alexis, ย
ย ย ย ย ย A year ago I ended a three year long emotionally abusive relationship. I was manipulated into being โnon monogamousโ months after we had started dating because he never took a second to tell me, and then it was presented as a โif you donโt do this youโre not strong enoughโ lose-lose decision. He was dating another girl for our entire relationship and cancelled on me (or hid that he had already made plans with her) numerous times, including after my pet had just died, to be with her instead. I caught him texting her in my bed right after weโd had sex. Any time I tried to express hurt, ask for communication, try and establish more set rules, I would get shut down - either he wouldnโt speak to me or i would be reminded that i wasnโt โstrong enough.โ Things got emotionally very dangerous for me and I came out of it with a PTSD diagnosis and a $3000 hospital IOP bill.
ย ย ย ย ย He is still with that girlfriend. During the summer I participated in outdoor exercise classes from a local studio Iโd been going to for over a year; she suddenly started showing up. I tried reaching out and asking her to let me have this space, it was the only way I had been able to heal, this man is an abuser - โsorry, thatโs not my responsibility.โ Seeing her multiple times a week was a nightmare, but I had been informed by someone else who had reached out to her that she would stop coming when outdoor was over and used that to push me through.
ย ย ย ย ย Anyway, not only did she decide to start coming to the studio this week, she is going out of her way to make herself visible - waiting outside the practice room until I go in, leaving the room if I leave the room, standing with her mat rolled up waiting for me to get up and leave after class, moving her stuff so itโs closer to mine outside so sheโs the first thing I see when Iโm about to leave. My anxiety has gotten so bad I can barely function.
ย ย ย ย ย Long story short, how can I get this bitch to leave me alone?Sincerely,ย perturbed pilates princess
Dear Perturbed Pilates Princess,
While it was nice of you to reach out to her on a โwoman to womanโ level, I fear that this bitch is an actual demon and that in doing that, you triggered something in her little lizard brain that made her think it would be acceptable to try to intimidate you during Pilates class. While this absolutely fucking blows, you should be proud of yourself for pushing through and still going to class despite all of this! As an additional win, it seems pretty clear to me that this bitch is not seeing a glimpse of Heaven, unlike you, a fitness legend who simply minds their own business โ๐พ!
When I want someone to leave me alone, I simplyโฆโฆact crazy. Depending on how crazy, this method has a solid success rate (at least 98% if we were to do the math). Now for the fun part: how you get this psycho to leave you alone.
Donโt sweat it ๐ซ๐ฆ. The only thing you should let make you sweat while youโre at the Pilates studio is the instructor. I know itโs easier said than done, but you have to try your hardest to pay this bitch no mind- thatโs precisely what she wants you to do!
Make it a group effort ๐ฏโโ๏ธ. This one is optional, but I highly recommend it, as like most things in life, getting under a bitchโs skin is much more fun with a friend! I would bet money that this girl thinks she won some illustrious prize by dating your ex and that she thinks youโre some miserable, lonely loser whose only friend is the Pilates instructor. WRONG โ. Bringing a friend with you to class will not only help keep your mind off of her, but also show her that she is the loser lonely enough to pick up torturing you as a hobby.
Play nice ๐. I know this is probably the last thing you want to hear, but it might just be the most important! I have dealt with my fair share of women crazy enough to try me during a workout class, and 9/10 times, killing them with kindness is the way to go. When you see her outside the practice room, hit her with a โHey girlie! I didnโt know you went here! ๐โ
If all else fails, it sure would be a shame if an unidentified person you have never met in your life slashed her tires during class ๐๐คชโบ๏ธ.
๐ Alexis
Subject:ย Wasting My Life Away
Dear Alexis,ย I graduated from college last year and have been unemployed ever since. My parents are mad, my friends think Iโm an idiot, and the guy Iโm fucking wonโt commit until I โgrow up.โ I guess Iโm embarrassed but I also have been mentally ill for years and am confused how no one saw this coming. I guess my question is, will getting a job fix what 150mg of Effexor canโt?? Does it get better?? Am I just 23 and dramatic?? How do I start a life when I never planned on being alive this long in the first place?
Sincerely,piece of shit
Youโre not a piece of shit! You are being a little dramatic, but youโre 23, so I expect you to be nothing less. Thatโs practically your job! Letโs breakdown the things you just listed:
โข Your parents are mad. Who cares. Parents are always mad. Struck from the record. Next item on the docket, please! ๐ฉ๐พโโ๏ธ
โข Your โfriendsโ think youโre an idiot. If these people you think are your friends think youโre an idiot, they arenโt your friends. I repeat ๐ฃ THOSE. ARE NOT. YOUR FRIENDS. Iโd bet you my left titty (my good one, BTW) that these people wonโt be in your life in a few years- and thatโll be a good thing! Friends should understand when youโre going through a rough time at the very least and help you through those rough times at best! Kick those nerds to the curb. Theyโre canceled. (Like officially canceled- I took a vote, and it was unanimous.)
โข The guy youโre fucking wonโt commit until you โgrow up.โ I donโt even know what that means, and even if I did, it wouldnโt matter as I donโt believe in listening to men. Most (if not all) men donโt even wash their hands after they pee- what business do you have taking life advice from one? As if ๐คข!
When I was fresh out of college, I lived in Brentwood with a girl who once ate four sticks of my butter (IDK) and worked as a personal assistant for an executive producer whose Russian mistress would randomly make appearances while I was house-sitting. What happened next, you may ask? Well, itโs simple: one day, he sent me an email saying he couldnโt afford to pay me! I started delivering cookie bouquets part-time (think Edible Arrangements, but ones youโd want to eat) and eventually landed a job working for an awful woman at a PR boutique who spent her days yelling at clients on the phone (or her employees IRL). โAwfulโ as in impressively racist, โPR boutiqueโ as in a random house in the Valley. Nothing humbles a recent college grad quite like having to remember to roll out the trash bins on trash day, amirite!?
As you may have guessed by now, I wasnโt able to afford rent, Yogurtland twice a day, and to replace all of the food my roommate kept eating (thatโs another story for another newsletter), so I formally entered my (first) Flop Eraโข and moved home. Eventually, my car would be repossessed, I would be diagnosed with an adjustment disorder, and the executive producer would subsequently end up in prison in the UK for tax fraud. Hollywood, baby! ๐คฉ๐คฉ๐คฉ๐คฉ๐คฉ
All of that may sound depressing, but thatโs because it was! Between you and I, you have nothing to worry about until your psychiatrist looks you dead in the eye and earnestly suggests you order a copy of What Color is Your Parachute? (Complete waste of time if your psychiatrist does do that, BTW. But you didnโt hear it from me!)
Not to bum you out, but 23 wasnโt looking too hot either! At that point, I was years out of college and trying to calculate just how much I could drive for Uber before having to report my earnings when certifying for unemployment. Then, the fateful day came when I would become a Nasty Gal employee. Except, I wasnโt an actual employee at first, I was an intern anxiously waiting for the next employee sample sale so I could snatch up a bunch of clothes to sell on Poshmark to be able to afford rent. #Girlboss alert ๐จ!!
Iโd love to be able to say, โit was all fun and games until I got fired from Nasty Gal,โ but it wasnโt- because I also got carbon monoxide poisoning that year! You donโt know the true definition of โwasting oneโs life awayโ until youโre on a first-name basis with several employees at The Southern California Gas Company; I will tell you that!
I say all that to say: it gets better- I promise! It doesnโt sound like things can get much worse! (No offense, though ๐.)
You arenโt wasting your life away. Youโre 23, fresh out of college, unsupported by those around you, and trying to survive a pandemic- give yourself a break! A job isnโt the end-all-be-all. People only say that to get you to pay for LinkedIn Premium ๐. And never, and I mean never, be ashamed of being mentally ill. Many people are mentally ill, and some of us have even used it to our advantage and gone on to write books, make movies, become president or even start newsletters ๐. Despite what those around you say or how you may feel in this moment, youโre doing amazing, sweetie!
In summary, let your parents be mad, realize that your โfriendsโ are actually your haters, ditch that guy, and keep taking your meds. Oh- also, listen to this on repeat. Works like a charm:
In Jojo Siwa we trust,
๐ Alexis
Subject:ย Cheater Sympathizing.
Dear Alexis,ย I recently had a woman slide into my DMs with receipts of my boyfriend cheating on me. She said heโd asked her to be FWB and they met up to discuss it. They ended up kissing that day but nothing happened. My boyfriend currently lives with me and pays less than half of our rent and makes no contribution to bills. All this considered I do love him but donโt want to set the impression that he can do this in the future. Do I cut him and my losses off (his stuff is currently packed in my bedroom) or do I give him a second chance?
Sincerely,ย Hurt and Confused
Dear Hurt & Confused,ย
Letโs get right to it:
Now that thatโs out of the way letโs get down to business. Here are the Top 3 Reasons You Should Kick Him to the Curbโข๏ธ:
Like many men that came before him, this man is more trouble than heโs worth. On top of paying zero bills and almost no rent, he has the nerve to be looking for other women to mooch off of? Iโm sorry, sweetie, but no ๐. Absolutely the fuck not โ.
Yes, times are tough, but heโs mooching, sister! Instead of cheating, he should have been listing his sneaker collection on StockX or something so he could chip in on some of those bills. A man should not be both broke and whack, and he needs to pick a struggle like the rest of us โ๐พ.
I hate to say it. I hope I donโt sound ridiculous, but this man doesnโt give a single fuck about you. Heโs not even the reason you know heโs cheating! He was quite literally so bad at cheating that the cheatress in question ran to you to spill the beans. Oh, brother, this guy stinks ๐๐พ๐คฎ!
While Iโm sure your charitable efforts of letting your boyfriend get away with all this will get you into Heaven, you are in no way obligated to provide for anyone else- especially if they donโt even respect you. All this man had to do was mind menโs business and go rock climbing or to Loweโs to buy materials to build you a coffee table, yet he chose chaos. I believe I speak for all of us when I say: ๐ฃ๏ธ DUMP HIM. He can go live with his FWB. What is a benefit from a friend, if not a couch to crash on?
P.S.
If you need some inspo to hype yourself up to send him on his way, I highly recommend She-Devil:
After all, justice serves those who serves themselves ๐!
๐ Alexis
Alright, gang. Iโd love to stay and chat, but it is way past my therapist-approved bedtime, and Iโll be damned if I spent all that money on dermal fillers only to ruin my skin by lack of sleep. Thatโs a chump move if I have ever heard one. As usual, feel free to ask me a question here or send me an email.