Hellooooooooooo campers 🤠🏕! Have I ever told you guys about the time my boss went to prison for tax fraud? Good, because I’m gonna tell you now! But most importantly: What should you do if your ex’s current girlfriend tries to Single White Female you at Pilates? Is it possible for a 23-year-old to be wasting their life away? (No ❤️.) Lastly, sympathizing with a cheater? Right in front of my salad 🥗? Yucky!!!!!!

Subject: sweaty stalking sociopaths

Dear Alexis,  

     A year ago I ended a three year long emotionally abusive relationship. I was manipulated into being “non monogamous” months after we had started dating because he never took a second to tell me, and then it was presented as a “if you don’t do this you’re not strong enough” lose-lose decision. He was dating another girl for our entire relationship and cancelled on me (or hid that he had already made plans with her) numerous times, including after my pet had just died, to be with her instead. I caught him texting her in my bed right after we’d had sex. Any time I tried to express hurt, ask for communication, try and establish more set rules, I would get shut down - either he wouldn’t speak to me or i would be reminded that i wasn’t “strong enough.” Things got emotionally very dangerous for me and I came out of it with a PTSD diagnosis and a $3000 hospital IOP bill.
     He is still with that girlfriend. During the summer I participated in outdoor exercise classes from a local studio I’d been going to for over a year; she suddenly started showing up. I tried reaching out and asking her to let me have this space, it was the only way I had been able to heal, this man is an abuser - “sorry, that’s not my responsibility.” Seeing her multiple times a week was a nightmare, but I had been informed by someone else who had reached out to her that she would stop coming when outdoor was over and used that to push me through.
     Anyway, not only did she decide to start coming to the studio this week, she is going out of her way to make herself visible - waiting outside the practice room until I go in, leaving the room if I leave the room, standing with her mat rolled up waiting for me to get up and leave after class, moving her stuff so it’s closer to mine outside so she’s the first thing I see when I’m about to leave. My anxiety has gotten so bad I can barely function.
     Long story short, how can I get this bitch to leave me alone?

Sincerely, perturbed pilates princess

Dear Perturbed Pilates Princess,

While it was nice of you to reach out to her on a “woman to woman” level, I fear that this bitch is an actual demon and that in doing that, you triggered something in her little lizard brain that made her think it would be acceptable to try to intimidate you during Pilates class. While this absolutely fucking blows, you should be proud of yourself for pushing through and still going to class despite all of this! As an additional win, it seems pretty clear to me that this bitch is not seeing a glimpse of Heaven, unlike you, a fitness legend who simply minds their own business ☝🏾!

When I want someone to leave me alone, I simply……act crazy. Depending on how crazy, this method has a solid success rate (at least 98% if we were to do the math). Now for the fun part: how you get this psycho to leave you alone.

1. Don’t sweat it 🚫💦. The only thing you should let make you sweat while you’re at the Pilates studio is the instructor. I know it’s easier said than done, but you have to try your hardest to pay this bitch no mind- that’s precisely what she wants you to do!

2. Make it a group effort 👯‍♀️. This one is optional, but I highly recommend it, as like most things in life, getting under a bitch’s skin is much more fun with a friend! I would bet money that this girl thinks she won some illustrious prize by dating your ex and that she thinks you’re some miserable, lonely loser whose only friend is the Pilates instructor. WRONG ❌. Bringing a friend with you to class will not only help keep your mind off of her, but also show her that she is the loser lonely enough to pick up torturing you as a hobby.

3. Play nice 😇. I know this is probably the last thing you want to hear, but it might just be the most important! I have dealt with my fair share of women crazy enough to try me during a workout class, and 9/10 times, killing them with kindness is the way to go. When you see her outside the practice room, hit her with a “Hey girlie! I didn’t know you went here! 😄”

If all else fails, it sure would be a shame if an unidentified person you have never met in your life slashed her tires during class 😕🤪☺️.

💘 Alexis

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Subject: Wasting My Life Away

Dear Alexis, I graduated from college last year and have been unemployed ever since. My parents are mad, my friends think I’m an idiot, and the guy I’m fucking won’t commit until I “grow up.” I guess I’m embarrassed but I also have been mentally ill for years and am confused how no one saw this coming. I guess my question is, will getting a job fix what 150mg of Effexor can’t?? Does it get better?? Am I just 23 and dramatic?? How do I start a life when I never planned on being alive this long in the first place?

Sincerely,piece of shit

You’re not a piece of shit! You are being a little dramatic, but you’re 23, so I expect you to be nothing less. That’s practically your job! Let’s breakdown the things you just listed:

• Your parents are mad. Who cares. Parents are always mad. Struck from the record. Next item on the docket, please! 👩🏾‍⚖️

• Your “friends” think you’re an idiot. If these people you think are your friends think you’re an idiot, they aren’t your friends. I repeat 🗣 THOSE. ARE NOT. YOUR FRIENDS. I’d bet you my left titty (my good one, BTW) that these people won’t be in your life in a few years- and that’ll be a good thing! Friends should understand when you’re going through a rough time at the very least and help you through those rough times at best! Kick those nerds to the curb. They’re canceled. (Like officially canceled- I took a vote, and it was unanimous.)

• The guy you’re fucking won’t commit until you “grow up.” I don’t even know what that means, and even if I did, it wouldn’t matter as I don’t believe in listening to men. Most (if not all) men don’t even wash their hands after they pee- what business do you have taking life advice from one? As if 🤢!

When I was fresh out of college, I lived in Brentwood with a girl who once ate four sticks of my butter (IDK) and worked as a personal assistant for an executive producer whose Russian mistress would randomly make appearances while I was house-sitting. What happened next, you may ask? Well, it’s simple: one day, he sent me an email saying he couldn’t afford to pay me! I started delivering cookie bouquets part-time (think Edible Arrangements, but ones you’d want to eat) and eventually landed a job working for an awful woman at a PR boutique who spent her days yelling at clients on the phone (or her employees IRL). “Awful” as in impressively racist, “PR boutique” as in a random house in the Valley. Nothing humbles a recent college grad quite like having to remember to roll out the trash bins on trash day, amirite!?

As you may have guessed by now, I wasn’t able to afford rent, Yogurtland twice a day, and to replace all of the food my roommate kept eating (that’s another story for another newsletter), so I formally entered my (first) Flop Era™ and moved home. Eventually, my car would be repossessed, I would be diagnosed with an adjustment disorder, and the executive producer would subsequently end up in prison in the UK for tax fraud. Hollywood, baby! 🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩

All of that may sound depressing, but that’s because it was! Between you and I, you have nothing to worry about until your psychiatrist looks you dead in the eye and earnestly suggests you order a copy of What Color is Your Parachute? (Complete waste of time if your psychiatrist does do that, BTW. But you didn’t hear it from me!)

Not to bum you out, but 23 wasn’t looking too hot either! At that point, I was years out of college and trying to calculate just how much I could drive for Uber before having to report my earnings when certifying for unemployment. Then, the fateful day came when I would become a Nasty Gal employee. Except, I wasn’t an actual employee at first, I was an intern anxiously waiting for the next employee sample sale so I could snatch up a bunch of clothes to sell on Poshmark to be able to afford rent. #Girlboss alert 🚨!!

I’d love to be able to say, “it was all fun and games until I got fired from Nasty Gal,” but it wasn’t- because I also got carbon monoxide poisoning that year! You don’t know the true definition of “wasting one’s life away” until you’re on a first-name basis with several employees at The Southern California Gas Company; I will tell you that!

I say all that to say: it gets better- I promise! It doesn’t sound like things can get much worse! (No offense, though 💗.)

You aren’t wasting your life away. You’re 23, fresh out of college, unsupported by those around you, and trying to survive a pandemic- give yourself a break! A job isn’t the end-all-be-all. People only say that to get you to pay for LinkedIn Premium 🙄. And never, and I mean never, be ashamed of being mentally ill. Many people are mentally ill, and some of us have even used it to our advantage and gone on to write books, make movies, become president or even start newsletters 😏. Despite what those around you say or how you may feel in this moment, you’re doing amazing, sweetie!

In summary, let your parents be mad, realize that your “friends” are actually your haters, ditch that guy, and keep taking your meds. Oh- also, listen to this on repeat. Works like a charm:

In Jojo Siwa we trust,

💘 Alexis

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Subject: Cheater Sympathizing.

Dear Alexis, I recently had a woman slide into my DMs with receipts of my boyfriend cheating on me. She said he’d asked her to be FWB and they met up to discuss it. They ended up kissing that day but nothing happened. My boyfriend currently lives with me and pays less than half of our rent and makes no contribution to bills. All this considered I do love him but don’t want to set the impression that he can do this in the future. Do I cut him and my losses off (his stuff is currently packed in my bedroom) or do I give him a second chance?

Sincerely, Hurt and Confused

Dear Hurt & Confused, 

Let’s get right to it:

Now that that’s out of the way let’s get down to business. Here are the Top 3 Reasons You Should Kick Him to the Curb™️:

1. Like many men that came before him, this man is more trouble than he’s worth. On top of paying zero bills and almost no rent, he has the nerve to be looking for other women to mooch off of? I’m sorry, sweetie, but no 💖. Absolutely the fuck not ❌.

2. Yes, times are tough, but he’s mooching, sister! Instead of cheating, he should have been listing his sneaker collection on StockX or something so he could chip in on some of those bills. A man should not be both broke and whack, and he needs to pick a struggle like the rest of us ☝🏾.

3. I hate to say it. I hope I don’t sound ridiculous, but this man doesn’t give a single fuck about you. He’s not even the reason you know he’s cheating! He was quite literally so bad at cheating that the cheatress in question ran to you to spill the beans. Oh, brother, this guy stinks 👎🏾🤮!

While I’m sure your charitable efforts of letting your boyfriend get away with all this will get you into Heaven, you are in no way obligated to provide for anyone else- especially if they don’t even respect you. All this man had to do was mind men’s business and go rock climbing or to Lowe’s to buy materials to build you a coffee table, yet he chose chaos. I believe I speak for all of us when I say: 🗣️ DUMP HIM. He can go live with his FWB. What is a benefit from a friend, if not a couch to crash on?

P.S.

If you need some inspo to hype yourself up to send him on his way, I highly recommend She-Devil:

After all, justice serves those who serves themselves 😈!

💘 Alexis

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Alright, gang. I’d love to stay and chat, but it is way past my therapist-approved bedtime, and I’ll be damned if I spent all that money on dermal fillers only to ruin my skin by lack of sleep. That’s a chump move if I have ever heard one. As usual, feel free to ask me a question here or send me an email.