No one asked me to write a gift guide, but no one asks me to regularly tweet that I want the cast of Prison Break to run a train on me either, so here we are.
As a woman of the people, I asked those closest to me to share any diagnoses/meds they have under their belt to compile this list, so don’t even think about trying to cancel me for having a section labeled “For your gay friend,” I will not be shamed for being an ally 🏳️🌈!
Christmas is 17 days away, and I’ve put this off long enough, so as the great Caroline Calloway once said: “LFGGGGGGGGGG!”
“My diagnosis is gay.”
For your gay friend:
Jessie Ware is gay rights. The girls that get it, get it. And the girls that don’t, don’t. Ideally, the perfect gift for your gay friend is VIP tickets to a Jessie Ware concert, but it’s 2021, and things are different now, so physical copies of her music will have to suffice.
Nothing says “gay” quite like Kacey Musgraves, and nothing says “Happy Holidays, gay bestie!” quite like a Kacey Musgraves x Boy Smells collab. As a proud ally, I recommend the magnum size, but the standard size will do if you’re homophobic and/or on a budget.
On the off chance that your gay friend hates
women good music and candles, you can never go wrong with poppers. If you have to Google what poppers are or wonder why I’m including them, you’re not even remotely close to understanding the assignment, and I don’t know what to tell you. According to the website, the holiday blend “mixes cherry with orange essence and packs an extra punch,” who wouldn’t want that?
“Want to be EXTREMELY clear that ‘clinically depressed hottie’ is the diagnosis”
For your “clinically depressed hottie” friend:
They probably already own this record, but they also probably stepped on it on their way to pick up their Uber Eats order from their front porch late one night last Winter 😕.
Speaking of which, I know for a fact that bitch isn’t nourishing themself, so you definitely can’t go wrong with an Uber Eats gift card.
Everyone loves lip balm, and depressed bitches are constantly losing theirs- it’s a fact. BONUS: When they finish the lip balm, they can clean out the container and use it to carry their antidepressants. Greta Thunberg is quaking.
As a woman of depressed hottie tendencies, I can assure you that the depressed person in your life needs this glow-in-the-dark Apple TV remote cover in case they fall asleep crying to a floral arranging competition show on HBO Max. Not that I would know!
Lastly, they’ll definitely appreciate a water bottle with a filter inside for those days the bathroom sink is way closer than the fridge and/or Brita pitcher.
I had to Google this (I never claimed to know everything!), so just buy them a Moon Juice gift card and tell them to calm down or something idfk.
“depression + ocd”
For your Lexapro-taking friend with depression and OCD:
Look- I don’t know what she puts in Magnesi-Om, but the shit SLAPS, okay? I’m no stranger to taking 1/4 of a Mexican Xanny here and there, but the Moon Juice magnesium supplement is THAT GIRL. I do not know a better woman. Buy some for yourself while you’re at it.
Is it stupid to pay this much for a hand sanitizer? Yes. Am I squalane’s bitch? Yes. Did I pay $8 for a 4 oz bottle of this at a Sephora in Ventura after deciding to take a stroll around the mall after a Botox appointment? Yes. Shouldn’t I be too embarrassed to admit this, let alone recommend it? Absolutely. Glad that’s settled. Let’s move on.
If there’s one thing mentally unstable people love, it’s turning to spirituality. I know this because I have spent an ungodly amount of money at House of Intuition this year instead of just exercising regularly as my psychiatrist suggested.
Clinical depression? Well, your friend can “start again by welcoming new beginnings and positive change.” Wellbutrin works hard, but a “fresh, organic citrus aroma [that] dispels stagnant energy to welcome newer and better vibrations” works harder. It’s simple science, really.
If there’s one thing my OCD tendencies are gonna do, it’s make me think that owning a million tiny little pouches will solve all of my problems and improve my life. They haven’t yet, but Rome wasn’t built in a day!
Depressed people love staring at walls; why not give your friend something inspiring to look at while they meditate on every mistake they’ve ever made?
“PTSD with a slice of ADHD and a sprinkle of SAD”
For your traumatized sad friend that struggles to complete tasks:
Now that I’m typing this out, I realize how weird it is to gift someone with PTSD a book about PTSD, but I already made the graphic and struggle with boundaries, so we’re just gonna go with it. It’ll probably take your friend with PTSD at least a year to pick up a book- let alone one that causes them to confront their trauma, but it’s nice to have handy, and I’ve heard* good things.
*I wouldn’t know. I got to page 9, thought “Ooooh. That makes sense,” got distracted googling whatever was on page 9 and never looked back 🤷🏾♀️.
Much like The Body Keeps the Score, this is another gift idea that I didn’t quite think through, but I’m enjoying it so far, and the words aren’t too big, so I highly recommend it. Relatable anecdotes that remind you that you’re not (always) the problem are one of the nicest things a person with ADHD can stumble upon.
Your friend will definitely use this every day of January, half of February, and once in mid-April before abandoning it, but they’ll jump right back into it mid-November after seeing a morning routine TikTok, so this is a great gift nonetheless.
**This is the planner I swear by (at least 4 ½ months out of the year), but if you’re nervous about picking out a planner for someone and your friend lives in LA, buy them a gift card to Hightide, and they can choose their own!
Your friend with PTSD/ADHD/SAD one million percent spends at least 12 hours a day in bed- buy them a heating pad. I’m honestly not even sure things are legally allowed to get as hot as this one does, but that’s technically none of my business and I love it, so we move.
On the off chance your friend does leave the bed, they can pop the compartments out for conveinent travel. I do not feel the need to say more.
I’m not going to say this timer boosted my productivity, but in theory, it should have, and I’m using it right now to finish this newsletter, so that should count for something. (On the off chance your friend hates beeping/sudden noises, it has volume control/a mute function 👌🏾💯.)
Like depressed people, people with ADHD love staring at walls, so I am once again encouraging you to give them something to look at.
“Lexapro, minor major depression”
For the most depressed bitch you’ve ever met:
My mom always says that misery loves company, and for that reason, I must suggest you gift your most depressed friend a subscription to Mentally Shrill, if not any of the gifts mentioned above.
Now go forth and buy your last-minute gifts! On the off chance that giving one of these gifts goes terribly wrong, feel free to ask me for advice, and we will sort it out 😉.
Stay safe, and don’t forget to get your booster shot,