Mentally Shrill #005: What Color Is Your Parachute?


Good morning, my fellow Tom Brady haters!! Today we’re going to ask the real questions:

Should you eat Funyuns past 9 PM 🧐? Do you really need to go back and finish school 🤔? Just how low are pet insurance companies willing to go 🤨? (Spoiler alert: pretty fucking low)

Do you think my downstairs neighbor can hear it when I’m eating funyuns in the middle of the night? Should that be a concern of mine? 

I mean…… loudly are you eating the Funyuns? Is “eating Funyuns” code for something else? Are you rolling marbles across the floor at the same time? Rearranging your furniture? Following in January Jones’ footsteps and practicing your amateur tap dancing? What’s the tea? Because if you’re actually doing something like having dick appointments late at night, you can definitely just tell me, you know. This is a safe space.

If you’re really just eating Funyuns late at night, then I don’t think they care. However, if you’re eating Funyuns, watching Beaches, and loudly sobbing at weird hours, then yeah- they’re probably concerned about you, and to be perfectly honest, I am too.

If I lived below you and heard you eating Funyuns (yes, I can definitely tell when someone is eating Funyuns), I would just be like, “…good for them” and invite you over to watch Storage Wars. But everyone isn’t hot, fun, sexy, hot, understanding, and cool like I am, so we can’t really assume things.

Just ask them! (Bring a bag of Funyuns for sure- there’s no need to be impolite, especially at a time like this.) Everyone should know their neighbors. Being friendly with your neighbors is helpful for all sorts of things like knowing why a package disappeared or confirming that Mike, the maintenance man enters your apartment when you’re not home to steal your panties and fruit punch. Not that I would know anything about that…….…🥲.

Dropped out of school. Thinking of using my talents to ‘do my own thing’ aka laze about for half a year as I discover myself. Really, I want to make money in a way that requires low effort and for me never to cite my work again. Or should I simply head back to school and suck it up. Thoughts? — 22 and hating it x 

My deepest apologies to you- being 22 fucking sucks LMAO. Of course you hate it! I’m pretty sure that’s actually the point of being 22, so like……..yeah…….good luck, babe. I don’t remember much of what I was doing at 22; I think that’s when I was diagnosed with an adjustment disorder and told to buy What Color Is Your Parachute? or some shit, but you don’t need to do that. It didn’t help. (Obvi.)

Should you go back to school? If you want to, yes! But if you’d be going back just to get a stupid ass little piece of paper that no one but your mom cares about, probably not!

I have no clue where my degree is, actually. It’s somewhere in my mom’s house, but so am I, so what did going to college do for me really? Not a goddamn thing, hunty! The only time I’ve actually “used” that stupid little journalism degree is like…writing this newsletter. I’m not even sure I’ve ever been asked about college in a job interview. It’s definitely a scam. A big, big, big scam.

What are these talents you speak of? Because if you’re trying to pursue a career in stand-up comedy, then yeah, you need to take your little happy ass right back to college and never speak of this moment in your life again. Just kidding! (Except I’m literally not. No more comedians. Ever. We’re good on that. Forever.)

I’m going to tell you what I wish someone had told me when I was 22: no one knows what they’re doing, no one is having fun, and there is definitely no one making money (legally) in a low effort way. If anyone tells you that they’re making money without effort, run away and lock the door because they are most likely trying to lure you into something dubious, and you’ve still got your whole life ahead of you.

Don’t worry about figuring it all out now, I’m practically 40 (I’m 28, which is practically 30, which is basically 40), and there is not a single soul alive who knows what the fuck I’m doing, like ever.

If worse comes to worst, you can just do what the rest of the 22-year-olds are doing: sell “vintage” Hellogoodbye and Death Cab for Cutie t-shirts on Depop at an 89% mark up of what they’re worth or….feet pics? I’ve actually never sold feet pics, but not for lack of trying! (If someone reading this gets off on flat size 11s HMU 😏.)

But seriously- stop stressing. To reiterate: no one knows what they’re doing, and no one is having fun. The only time I am having fun is when I wake up without lower back pain. But hey- at least you have this song?

it seems you’re having a traumatic experience with pet insurance, so I hate to bring it up but I trust your opinion... my dog was diagnosed with diabetes last year and now she’s going blind because cataracts. She’s only 7, she’s some kinda papillon mix so she’s got like half her life ahead of her. ANYWAYS, half the pet parents I know are telling me to get pet insurance now, but the other half are saying it’s not worth it. Did you get yours before or after the Cushing’s diagnosis? And was it worth it before they decided to get evil about mild tartar? Diabetes isn’t cheap, cataracts surgery pricing sounds like a scam, and I’m currently unemployed. I don’t want to have to teach her how to echolocate or whatever blind dogs do to get around. 

First off- no need to worry about bringing things like this up, I am quite literally always having a traumatic experience. I think God thinks it’s funny or something. It’s sick, but let’s move on. It’s not always about me.

Sorry about your dog, I connect to her on a spiritual level in that my life also spiraled out of control at age 7. (I lied earlier, everything is definitely always about me.) I don’t know much about dog diabetes/cataracts (or human diabetes/cataracts for that matter), but I do regularly check up on a diabetic dog with diminished eyesight at the Westie Rescue of California. His name’s Buster, and I think he’s a king:

Astro was diagnosed with Cushing’s while he already had insurance, and while it was worth it financially, they definitely made me sweat quite a few times. He’s actually scheduled to get his teeth cleaned on Thursday, and I’ll be able to get about $250 out of an estimated $685+ back. Thrifty 🙃! I pay about $65 a month for his insurance, which includes a wellness plan- and I’m beginning to suspect that I probably would have “saved” the same amount by just putting that money away in a separate account for him each month, but I’m here for a good time- not a smart time, so why would I do anything that makes sense? Yucky 🤮!

Unfortunately, no company is going to cover a pre-existing condition- especially not diabetes. If people suggest that you get a plan now, I have no choice but to assume they have some pet insurance plug or loophole to make it work, and if that’s the case, they should definitely share with the class immediately. Getting a plan now only makes sense if you’re worried about other health issues coming down the line, but I’d personally worry that the company would find a way to tie any other issues to diabetes or cataracts and not cover them. They’re evil like that.

In terms of cost, it’s always worth trying to find a vet/hospital that offers low-cost options; I also found this list of charities/organizations that might be able to help. If not, again, there’s always selling feet pics? (Yours, not your dog’s, unless you have her consent.)

Good luck, and feel free to reach out if you need any more help 💗!


Ask me a question!

Share Mentally Shrill