Hello, and welcome to a very special Valentine’s Day edition of Mentally Shrill! Today we will humble ourselves and realize that not everyone is out to fuck us, learn how to move on/where to order a heart-shaped pizza from, prep someone for their very first dick appointment, and finally text that crush.
Dear Alexis, I recently got friendzoned by a super sexy guy and I don’t know how to get over him. I post thirst traps in hopes that he watches them and tinder don’t even hit no more cus it feels like no-one is as sexy as him. How do I move on and realize he was a total loser. Because he was.
Sincerely, one donkey staring at herself in the mirror
First off, I don’t know who you are or if I actually know you at all, but stop talking about my friend like that- you are not a donkey 😤. 🗣 THIS IS A SELF-LOVING HOTTIES ONLY ZONE. PERIOD ☝🏾⚠️
My work is already done for me here- you already said he’s a loser! So let’s keep that same energy and lose his number. (Sorry, everyone. I’ll see myself out 😔.) If the men on Tinder aren’t hitting (they rarely are), try a different app. Literally any app. It doesn’t even have to be a dating app. At this point, everyone is so lonely and alone that you could probably post a thirst trap on LinkedIn and be engaged by Thursday. (I call dibs on officiating the wedding if this is the case.) Better yet- free yourself from the shackles of being boo’d up and embrace being single.
To reiterate: you said he was a loser. You know this about him. The next step is moving on, girlie. Grab a bottle of champagne and order yourself one of those heart-shaped pizzas from Papa John’s and call it a day. You never know- maybe the delivery guy will be single and a certified hottie!
They come with brownies now 😘🌹. His loss!
Subject: Who wears snapbacks inside??????
Dear Alexis, Turns out the girl in my Friday morning lectures isn’t gay and just has a thing for snapbacks and muscle tees. Whatever. Although she did agree to come over and spend Valentine’s Day with me. Although now I wonder if she’s thinking it might be Galentines day. Which. Even the word is ugly. What to do? How to let her know I thought she was a scissor sister without potentially offending?
Sincerely: The L (late to the party) word.
Dear The L Word,
You might find this hard to believe, but not everyone is trying to fuck. Some people don’t fuck at all. I love that for them! Even if she is gay, she could just want to be your friend! I’m friends with many gay people, but guess how many of them I’ve fucked? Zero. (To my knowledge.)
I don’t think you need to lead with “PLEASE DO NOT SCISSOR ME, MADAM” right out the gate- let’s put that in our back pocket and keep it there until the time comes. (It probably won’t.)
To your point- I agree that Galentine’s Day is stupid as hell. And TBH? As an aggressively straight woman, I’d personally argue that only cishet women would acknowledge/celebrate it, so yeah, I could see her being straight, for sure.
As for the answer to your question…who wears snapbacks indoors, you ask? Well, that’s easy. The answer is drug dealers and Zendaya in 2013, but all of these people mentioned are the backbones of America (and HBO programming), so we have no choice but to thank them all for their service and press on. Lighten up! Make a new friend! Hell, maybe you’ll get some free dr*gs out of it. Win/win!
Dear Alexis, I’m gonna sound ridiculous. Just know that I know. Anyways, my parents are going out of town for the week leaving me at home alone (I’m 18 doing college from home because of covid) and I wanted to find a guy to come over and have sex with me (take my virginity away.) He gets covid tested for work so I know he won’t be positive, and I haven’t seen anyone in a month so I know I don’t have it. Anywayssss that’s the week I get my fucking period, so I’ve been trying to induce my period by eating the most disgusting turmeric and vitamin c concoctions (it’s not working lol.) Am I ridiculous for putting this much effort in just to lose my virginity to a random guy I met on a dating app who I know like nothing about?
Sincerely, a fan
You don’t sound ridiculous at all. In fact, I think you’re a queen. This country hasn’t seen this type of work ethic since the Bush administration. Personally speaking, I think we could all learn a thing or 20 from you! Just starting, and you’ve already secured a man with a job. Stunning. We stan!
First off, don’t stress over period sex. Like, at all. Any man who is afraid of period sex is too childish to be having sex anyway. Write that down ✍🏾! If you’re anxious about it, you could always put a towel down- just make sure it’s not one of your mom’s good ones. Awk!
If you’re really nervous about it, you could always try a menstrual cup, like one of these:
Regardless of if you go with a menstrual cup or not, pick up some condoms! Men love to pretend they ~forgot~ them, and I’d hate to have to go to jail over a follower’s dick appointment trying to pull a fast one.
Also, before he comes over, make sure you tell a close friend about him in case he’s wack as fuck and needs to get his shit rocked. Text your friend his info and let them know when he arrives and when he leaves, so they know you’re safe. This is a good rule in general when it comes to meeting men from dating apps, BTW. Men are sick, nasty little individuals who should be monitored 24/7. I’m not trying to scare you, but they really are sick. SICK. They don’t even deserve rights.
Good luck, queen. I’m rooting for you. We are all rooting for you 💘.
Subject: me to me: stop being schizophrenic
Dear Alexis, I've had a crush on my roommate's friend for a while now, and it seemed like something was finally about to happen because we were hanging out a lot and had all these plans to do stuff together, but this all happened last March right before quarantine started lololol so I basically haven't seen him in a year. I think about him a ton but always chicken out when I think about reaching out to him, and then a few days ago I had a dream that my roommate sat me down and said "I'm just going to invite [redacted] over to our apartment and then leave so you guys can be alone and tell each other how you feel and you can stop acting so schizophrenic." I can't get over the fact that this is how my subconscious has chosen to approach this situation. And it doesn't make me want to be any less of a chicken. But I do really like him and am sick of this purgatory!! what do you think i should do :(
Sincerely, i hate it here!
Dear I Hate It Here,
Stop stressing over a man. Yucky 🤢! I don’t want to sound too harsh, but he either likes you back, or he doesn’t, and as a lover of love and Pisces/big believer in dreams, I feel like he probably does! On the off chance that he doesn’t? So what? 🗣WE MOVE. There are tons of available men- some might even say too many. We will find you another one. I can promise you that.
Get some intel from your roommate. You seem to be crushing pretty hard, so I’m assuming you already know a bit about this guy, but having a little more info couldn’t hurt. Be careful with this, though- nothing worse than slipping up and referencing undisclosed intel about a man’s history that you found out on your own to said man. Embar!
Just text him! After some light data collection courtesy of your roommate, pick one of his interests that you’re also into and shoot him a text. All you need to say is something like “[link about whatever nerd shit he’s into] this reminded me of you.” Something light. Something corny. It doesn’t need to be complex- he is a man, after all. You could quite literally text a man a Spotify link to Michael Jackson - Thriller and ask if he’s heard it, and he will respond. They’re thirsty like that.
I come up with all sorts of reasons to bother men. It’s kinda fun, TBH. So just send the text! Worst case scenario is he doesn't answer/leaves you on read. Again: so what?? All men are ugly if you look at them long enough anyway. It’s like a scientific fact. (I cannot cite my sources here as I have none, but you all know I’m right anyway, so let’s move on.)
But seriously, just text him. Rip the bandaid off. What else do you have to do?
That’s all I have for now. I’d love to stay and chat, but I have one of those heart-shaped pizzas waiting for me. This (unfortunately) isn’t Papa John’s sponcon or anything. I just love those pizzas.