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Mentally Shrill #009: Do you feel held by him? Does he feel like home to you?
It ain't much, but it's honest work.
‘Sup? Today we’re gonna learn how to treat ourselves, how to redeem ourselves, and how to know when it’s the right time to send that soapy titty pic. (Don’t look at me- y’all ask the questions! I am simply the messenger. The messenger who happens to know everything 😌.)
Subject: How to Feel Myself
Dear Alexis, your content always makes me laugh :) i just left an abusive relationship (wooo but also ow) and i'm wondering if you have any suggestions on treating myself and feeling empowered? love you, thank you :)
Sincerely, Ass and Heart Are Fat
Dear Ass and Heart Are Fat,
Thank you, and I’m so proud of you! Also, proud of you for having a fat ass, as I cannot relate 🤧. I love treating myself. I love treating myself A LOT. I considered including a screenshot of all my current pending orders, but I bought myself a pair of Outdoor Voices Hokas when I had no business doing so, and quite frankly, I do not want you people minding my business that way- that’s what my mom is for. Anyhoo…
At this point, I am being held together by a handful of things that include watching an inhumane amount of television, candles that cost too much, junk food, cheap candles, hair masks, a suspiciously high Afterpay limit, and more television. I’ve gotten into collaging lately, too, but my therapist suggested that and this is a solo show, so do with that suggestion what you will.
I also bought an exercise bike on Amazon recently because my psychiatrist suggested working out for 30 minutes a day instead of upping my Wellbutrin dosage, but I haven’t really used it. I’m sure he’s right or whatever (he apparently went to medical school??), but it’s Girl Scout cookie season, so it seems a bit counterproductive to start working out now, ya know? IDK. It makes sense to me. Let’s move on.
My only real suggestion here is: see something you like at a reasonable price? Buy it- you deserve it! Sometimes I even buy myself stuff that’s not reasonably priced just to feel something, although I can’t say I fully back this idea- nor can my credit score. It’s not all about buying stuff, though. Treating yourself can also come in doing whatever makes you happy or even just giving yourself a break. That being said, boy, do I love buying stuff. I could buy stuff all day. In fact, I think after I finish this newsletter, I’ll play some Animal Crossing so I can buy myself some virtual stuff. It could just be Capitalism speaking but…….man, do I love stuff 🤑💲💸. Here are my current faves:
Boy Smells - Slow Burn - $39
Girl Scout Cookies from Troop 6000 -$5 ($20 order minimum, child’s play)
Nu Sweat - Stress Relief Pilates with Ky - $20 (I haven’t taken
(They also have On-Demand classes - $10)
Good luck, and keep up the great work 💗💗💗.
Subject: Too late to redeem myself?
Dear Alexis, I finally hooked up with my yearslong back-of-my-mind crush mid-pandemic, and shocker—we have not exchanged words since he was literally inside me. I know that someone watching your IG stories doesn’t mean that they’re desperately obsessed with you (checking story views is a disease I will never be cured of), but it’s been like three months of radio silence and I’m wondering if it’s too late/weird/random/ to even text him at this point. He prob doesn’t care?
Sincerely, outlaw air sign men
Dear Outlaw Air Sign Men,
Text him what, exactly? Do you have something to tell him? Did you do something embarrassing during your hookup that you feel you need to “redeem yourself” for? If not, no. Do not text him. What is there for you to say to him? Are you going to tell him about the crush? What the weather’s like? What you’re making for dinner? Because you said yourself that he’s watching your IG stories, so…surely he knows at least two of those things.
On the other hand, if you have something you want to say to him, then, by all means, text him. I don’t think it’s “too late” to text him if you have something thoughtful to say, and the worst thing that can come from you texting him is he ignores you or flat out rejects you. If that’s the case, it’ll sting, of course. But if you have something you need to tell him, then just rip off the bandaid and move on already!
In conclusion, three months is basically six years in quarantine time, so if you’re waiting for this man to swoop in with some big romantic gesture, AKA reply to your story with the 💯 reaction or a “haha tight,” then I need you to put your phone down and go splash some cold water on your face immediately because that’s not happening. I could be wrong about this, but I haven’t been wrong about anything since like 1998, so I highly doubt that.
It’s a tough pill to swallow, but: if he wanted to, he would. And that goes for just about everyone/everything! Forcing an interaction will more than likely lead to an awkward or uncomfortable situation down the line, so try just to let things like this be. Again: if he wanted to, he would. This man has been inside of you; it’s not like he’s shy or afraid of you!
There’s no point in you stressing yourself out like this at all. I don’t care how tall he is or if it was the best sex you ever had- it’s time to move on. A guy I matched with/talked to who ghosted me in November followed me on Insta and will now reply to my stories. What do I do? Not respond. Mostly because I am mentally ill and really struggle with responding to messages, but that’s neither here nor there. My point is: if they wanted to, they would. Keep your chin up- at least you got some dick out of it!
Subject: Sexting the Ex Fling
Dear Alexis, How do I initiate sexting with that one guy who I can’t let go of physically? We don’t live in the same city and I feel over him emotionally so I think it’s a risk I can take. We were friends for a long time and then began having HOT sleepovers and liking each other but it didn’t blossom and I got hurt. This was two years ago tho and we’re friends again. I think I’m not over it because we never had full P in V (technical difficulties on his end, which I believe to be the reason he pulled away hence didn’t become my boyfriend). Anyways I have a soapy titty pic that’s going to waste and I know he’s still attracted to me and I want to be the main character so help!
Sincerely, In therapy
Dear No P in the V,
Hmmm, much to think about. A little unclear on your definition of “HOT,” as when I read that word, I assume it involves one getting their back blown out, which unfortunately does not sound like the case for you? Semantics aside- life is short. Let’s get you some virtual P.
I know you said you’re in therapy, but do you know that you can handle the possibility of maybe being rejected by this man again? If yes, are you sure? I don’t want to alarm you, but it’d be a colossal L for you to send that man your nips only for him to heart react to the photo and never speak to you again. (Don’t worry, I knocked on wood.)
I will say that if you have doubts about who would receive the titty pic and how said who will react, the titty pic shall not be sent ☝🏾. Titty pics are like risking a sneeze while on your period: deep down, you know when you should and when you shouldn’t. Trust your gut.
You know him better than I do (I don’t know either one of you tbqh), so all I can suggest here is that you ask yourself these questions: Is he in the right headspace to receive a titty pic? Are you in the right headspace to send a titty pic? Do you feel held by him? Does he feel like home to you? Why does the caged bird sing? Is Andie wearing the Chanel boots? (Yeah, she is.)
These are all important questions. You’re in therapy now. You’ve come a long way. Never let your mental health backslide over the possibility of a man maybe wanting to see a tit.
A soapy titty pic will never go to waste as a soapy titty pic never expires- DOY!
Don’t sweat over being the main character- it’s not even that fun, really. The last time I was the main character, it resulted in a very chaotic year that involved weird shit like having a BuzzFeed editor try to play me and being blocked by Caroline Calloway for liking a comment on one of her Instagram posts. Not to mention that NYT reporter with the bad barrel curls who hates everything- including the idea of having good takes. Embar for me on all three accounts! 0/10. Can’t say I recommend it!
That’s all, folks! As usual, the bravest of you can email your questions to email@example.com, and the rest of you heathens can ask anonymously here.